Heartache

Am disheartened today. Just felt I had to jot in a few words or two. The heart is in silent turmoil. But they don't see it because I hide in a thousand smiles.

Today, I have doubts that I feel I need to address. Yet if I address them, I fear some will have grave consequences.What can I do?

So perhaps it is better to try to be strong in the wake of distress.
I slept for a while just now in order for me to continue my assignments. It will be another long night and possible long early dawn.This is the price to pay for the education of the young generation. We have been commented on, been compared to. Can we test the deep waters of faith?
If we waver, will it affect our integrity?

I used to believe I had a chance at happiness.
Now it is shattered because as usual it is one sided.
I will leave my two heartaches aside to make way for a better future.

I will be strong because I know God loves me.

AF447

I cannot sit still until I know what happened on the AF447. I usually don't display such interest in world news but this involves aviation and lives that perished in such a state it's inconceivable.

I cannot fathom as to why a technology so equipped as the Airbus330 could meet its final end in such a compellingly devastating manner. I mean, it's a relatively safe plane. We have many fleets of this model in the world.Perhaps in studying how, why and what, lives can be saved in the future.

We have to understand that this state of the art aircraft is operated fly-by-wire. This simply means computerized.The pilot's controls are not directly connected to the aircraft controls. It actually just sends a signal to the computer, and the computers on board actually drive the flight controls.There are four fully redundant electrical systems on an Airbus - and if the worst happens a manual flight control system allows the crew to manipulate the rudder and the fine aero-surface controls called trim tabs.

I have no idea until I came across an article on this in CNN.com.

We know Flight 447 struggled to fend off violent thunderstorms in the Intertropical Convergence Zone. It's essentially where the North Atlantic meets South Atlantic off the coast of Brazil.
This is the danger zone where the trade winds from the Northern Hemisphere and Southern Hemisphere meet. It spawns rare hell-raising thunderstorms( I kid you not) and severe turbulences. Hurricanes make things worse if encountered. It was believed this aircraft was struck by lightning, maybe even several.Some probably got into the system, messing up the computers one by one and disabling radar.The crew was thrown the obstacle of trying to manage in the dark, over the ocean and without weather radar as they stumbled towards some epic cumulus nimbus thunderheads.But the whole point is, can only lightning bring this aeroplane down? Planes are designed to withstand lightning strikes.Thus, this means there might have been a cascade of events starting from a voltage surge provoking massive electrical failure.

The Brazilian air force says the plane was traveling at an altitude of 35,000 feet at the speed of 521 miles per hour when it simply vanished from radar. So is this travelling speed safe or dangerous? I need an airline safety analyst expert to explain all these, sincerely, as I have no clue.One thing for sure, there was not even a distress call from the aeroplane itself, bringing possibility that the whole incident was utterly quick.

Then a recent probe reveals that the airspeed instruments have not been replaced on the AF447.

In addition to that,the investigation is increasingly focused on whether external instruments may have iced over, confusing speed sensors and leading computers to set the plane's speed too fast or slow -- a potentially deadly mistake in severe turbulence.

Pitot tubes, protruding from the wing or fuselage of a plane, feed airspeed sensors and are heated to prevent icing. A blocked or malfunctioning Pitot tube could cause an airspeed sensor to work incorrectly and cause the computer controlling the plane to accelerate or decelerate in a potentially dangerous fashion.

Gathering all these seem to be telling a story of the whole system malfunctioning at once.Indeed very grave.

As quoted from the New York Post,the sequence of the crash,

At 11pm (2am GMT) pilot Marc Dubois sent a manual signal saying he was flying through an area of 'CBs' - black, electrically charged cumulonimbus clouds that carry violent winds and lightning.

At 11.10pm, automatic messages relayed by the jetliner indicated the autopilot had disengaged.
This suggested Dubois and his two co-pilots were trying to thread their way through the storm manually.
At this point a key computer system had switched to alternative power and controls needed to keep the plane stable had been damaged.
An alarm also sounded, indicating that the 'fly-by-wire' system on the Airbus that controls the flaps on the wings had shifted to 'alternate law'.
Alternate law is an emergency back-up system that kicks in after an electronic failure. It enables the plane to keep functioning with less energy - but reduces stability, which would have been desperately needed as the pilots battled to bring the jet safely out of the turbulence.

At 11.12pm, two key computers monitoring air speed, altitude and direction failed. These would have increased the pilot's loss of control over the plane.
The loss of instruments showing air speed in particular would have been detrimental. The pilot was trying to fly a fine line between slowing the plane enough to navigate through the turbulence, and not slowing so much that the plane stalled mid-air, which would have been catastrophic.
The messages show there was an inconsistency between the different measured airspeeds shortly after the plane entered the storm zone.

At 11.13pm, control of the main flight computer, back up system and wing spoilers also failed.
The last automatic message, at 11.14pm, indicated complete electrical failure and a massive loss of cabin pressure - catastrophic events

There are still no clear answers but with the latest developments in the extrication of some of the bodies and plane debris,it is a small consolation that the families get to bury their beloved.

The Fray's Vienna

The day's last one-way ticket train pulls in
We smile for the casual closure capturing
There goes the downpour
Here goes my fare thee well

There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
'Cause I'm already gone

Only so many words that we can say
Spoken upon long-distance melody
This is my hello
This is my goodness

There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
'Cause I'm already gone

Maybe in five or ten yours and mine will meet again
Straighten this whole thing out
Maybe then honesty need not be feared as a friend or an enemy
This is the distance
And this is my game face

There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
Is there really no way to reach me
Am I already gone?

So this is your maverick
This is Vienna.

So yeah, there's no way to reach me if I feel like I can't be reached. I don't hide well but I will if I have to. Can you read me? If yes, I will never hurt again. So come into the light and feel what I feel.

What I keep up to.

One of the many ambitions that I have hoped to be, include the fascination of being a pilot. I have always been awed by the magnificence of the aeroplane, its engineering systems, principles and the ability for such an enormously heavy mode of transportation to score the skies so high.

It's amazing, really,the wonders of modern technology and the advancement of the intellect. I think I was about 7 or 8 when I voiced out my desire, and please please I am not kidding, I also contemplated being a police or a soldier. Some kind of a little girl I was:)

Of course all were met with laughs by my parents and my siblings. As for me, I'll just see where the future leads me. I never ended up being any of these three professions.:) Yet out of these three, I still harbor thoughts of the first despite the fact that I am almost reaching my 3rd decade. Too old to be enrolled,without the perfect vision hahaha.I don't think gender is a problem. I have dedication and motivation. My love for aeroplanes came about more, when after my high school days, I travelled to and fro Kuala Lumpur to further my studies there, with semester breaks. Although I usually use MAS in the past before 1997,my first flight to college was with Air Asia, now awarded the best budget airline in Malaysia.I still use AirAsia when travelling back to hq in KL on business trips.I always like the adrenaline rush when the aeroplane takes off. I almost always positioned myself on the window next to the wings. I don't know why I do that but it's like an automatic response.lol. It's like a romance in the sky, a feeling of surreality once you are travelling through clouds. I would relax and delight myself with a book or two, but mostly I find more contentment in looking outside into the realm of the outer atmosphere.Two of my favourite sceneries are the sunsets and Kuching aerial view at night.Simply breathtaking.There was once I thought of going to the flight deck to see how the pilots work their magic. But until now, I have yet the opportunity. After the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks, all major airlines fortified that area against access in case of threat by hijackers, so perhaps civilians too are not allowed.

Then I heard the news. On Sunday night,a day before Gawai, AF 447 went missing shortly after 24 auto messages.Auto pilot had been disengaged, giving possibilities of electrical system shutdown. 228 people including plane crew were feared dead.It was believed the plane broke up in mid-air shortly before plunging into the Atlantic Oceans due to loss of cabin pressure.The aircraft involved was an Airbus A330-200, with dual General Electric CF6-80E1 engines.

For someone who loves flying, I kept on thinking about the passengers, and the 3 experienced pilots of which 2 were co-pilots managing the plane that fateful night. It was well almost halfway on an 11-hour journey from Rio de Janeiro to Paris when problems started to arise right after one of the pilots sent back a manual message that they were going through turbulent weather.10 minutes later, auto messages showed series of malfunctions which lead to the tragedy. Since June 1, I have been following the news in the hopes of a miracle. None it seems would surface.

Up to date, on 6th June it was reported that the Brazilian Air Force had located two bodies, confirmed 2 male passengers and some debris from the missing aircraft. The mystery that surrounds this crash may turn out to be a long, sad story. The last accounts of those harrowing and devastating moments simply cannot be described in words. For now, it is crucial to find the black boxes and flight recorders to get to the bottom of the mishap. Experts say this might be impossible due to the vast area of search, accentuated with the rough conditions of the sea currents. Not to mention the depth of where these instruments may be.The time is ticking as these instruments only emit signals for 30 days. The French and Brazilian force have now 23 days to go.

I can only pray and hope for answers especially to the families of the departed.The feeling of not knowing anything is beyond grief. I can also say after reading reports, those 3 pilot did battle for 15 minutes to stop this catastrophe but alas, to no avail. It is believed they did try to switch course, taking a reversed route to safety but perhaps a task too difficult to maneuver if it was true that there were inaccurate speed readings at the altitude they were travelling.

The crash was sudden and brutal.

Fate has no name nor compromise.

In the wake of this event, it is understandable many will fear the consequences of flying. I too share this notion. But relatively, air travel, to some sources, is still one of the safest. Road accidents claimed life more, so to say.

Now, I respect pilots more for the risks that they are taking and the lives that are in their hands. Such a big commitment. Sometimes, we cannot thoroughly blame the pilots or the plane systems.With so many what ifs,what has happened only God knows the answers. We can only pray that after this horrendous aftermath, we appreciate life more and that it is not in our hands, most of the time.

Searching for an atonement

I may never confront the receiver of this letter I am about to pen. I don't feel the need to. It will never even fall into hands. This is because I fully conform to the futility of such an effort. Attitudes only rectify themselves when totally to their own accord.

I have my flaws but some people masterfully put them in a way that they intensify. Naturally, I get all defensive. It seems as though the words of another vary until yours trully appears to be at fault. This does not rest easy on my conscience.

I have to be granted better judgement. This applies to those whom have suffered similar predicament. Is that such a hard thing to comply to because it means submission?

Thus, I start off with an open confrontation made possible by this letter.

Dear anonymous,

When you have this letter, upon reading it, accidentally maybe, due to the fact it is made known to others but you, there is a high possibility that our friendship will waver. There are no names mentioned and identities are protected. Yet, I wonder if you comprehend the core of the matter I now hereby direct to you.

I don't know why in the first place I bother, because usually,in emphasis to the character I am, I almost always let the issue slide, but no, not this time. I would like to say, it is not I who has drifted away, as I often come across as the initiator to keep in touch. While you.....you merely initiate on the account of your mood. You're like the weather, either sunny or rainy. I cannot keep up with you.

I am tired trying to explain. Why do you sound like you mock me in your casualness? Why are you so hard to please, too arrogant to be humble, too high-leveled to be grounded? It centers around you, you, you. You are in a position where you manage to get away being yourself, don't you know that?

No matter how you treat me, I was blind( so blind) to develop some kind of emotion for you. More than care, alas a little short from love because it was never reciprocated. A wrong decision but ironically a very good one too. From there, I saw how you ignored me. It was an experience beyond regret and all reason.

Rejection has taught me many things. Two of most would be strength and brutal reality.
Thank you for this eye-opener.I emerge scathed but not broken.

When I finally thought the storms have blown over, a bomb landed on my face flat.
After 5 months, we met, this time you took the lead. I made the wrong move in agreeing to see you.
You were still you, as anticipated, not once addressing a word on how I felt when you left me hanging without answers. And I thought, wow, some kind of friend you are.

Perhaps I have hurt you in the past before, resulting in this indication. Now I demand you ask how I felt.

My answer?

No. I will not give you that liberty. Not anymore.

I have said enough. I will proceed to burying this carcass of ugly thoughts into the earth of my deepest realms.

For this is my very own act of redemption. I do not live to bear grudges. And I do not want to start them with you.
Let us part with yesterdays. It is not ours for the taking.

There, I feel so much better now. I pray for peace now that I choose to shake my grounds of silence.

Icebox

A friend of mine introduced to me this song. Really nice actually, although I never heard of the singer. I loved the piano cover more, btw, by David Sides:) Awesome playing.

I think emotions suddenly rushed over.Not many songs have that sort of capability to overwhelm me to that degree. But this one did.

For me, it is sad to have regrets.
It is such a pity to have music in your head but no ability to play it,
nor the voice to belt it out.
So hence I try to be contented in composing it.
Perhaps the closest to music I'll ever get.
Like the song, Icebox,
I got this ice box where my heart used to be,
I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold.

If I have a choice, I'll do everything to make it all okay again.

Inspired? lol

It's kind of strange not writing for a long time again.
Like intervals one after the other.
It feels even stranger when you start writing again.

I've finished the pianist story during Gawai, inspired by Twilight, surprisingly.

I never thought I would like the movie. I mean a vampire and a human? It's ridiculous. But workable, much to my astonishment. The chemistry was actually explosive lol. One of the prominent ones that include the list of Jamie and Landon Carter. Not to mention Margaret and John Thornton. Anyway, I know it's supposed to be like an adolescent movie, as in Twilight and stuff like that but hey so is A Walk To Remember. I loved it, still.

Maybe in this realistic world, I longed for the kind of love that dazzle and consume you. Someone who feels protective over you and makes you his life. Who complements you and treats you like an equal.Hmmm. It's okay to dream I am sure. But alas. I cannot comment further on the individuals that come across my paths.

So when I get tired of reality, I simply create characters that appeal to my senses. Doesn't matter if the happiness is an illusion. It's a work of art. As simple as that.

Look at the heart

I wish to emphasize specifically on this.

The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the appearance but the Lord looks at the heart.

It is a crucial reminder to me thus I feel it worth sharing as a reflection to see many things in a different light. Care to join me in my thoughts?


As Michael Warden puts it, DON’T make it your ambition to do great things for God; make it your ambition to have a great heart for God-then the ‘great things’ will take care of themselves. You will always have people who try to measure your life by some great act of service or sacrifice.

“You are godly if you do this or that.”

That is pure foolishness-we are not made holy by any work we do and don’t do. There are multitudes of people who do so called great deeds every day but their hearts are not right.

Frankly, God isn’t the least bit interested in their great acts of service. Whether you preach to thousands or quietly mop floors means little to Him. What matters to God is the heart.

To grow up in Christ, we must understand that God is far more concerned with our inner lives than He is with our outer lives. That is not to say that you should go off and sin at will. But it does mean that you will never grow up as long as you keep putting the cart before the horse. Strive to have a pure, humble and passionate heart for God. Make that your sole ambition. Then you will find yourself doing great things for God without even being conscious of it.

Don’t worry about having a great reputation with people. No matter how you live, there will always be some people who accept you, and some who reject you.

Instead, continuously ask yourself the question that matters: What is my reputation with God?

Bam, his words knocked me off like magic. Just the reading I needed this relaxing Saturday night. Oh my, how can I be so blind all these while lol. Alas, I admit, I am only human. I make mistakes. I acknowledge them and I will try to improve. It is easier said than done, no doubt but let us have the every bit of determination to make change happen for the better.

Shall we?

Expect little and happy therapy

Expect little.

These words have imparted me tremendously. Simply because it is the truth.

It is strange to note how long it takes me to realize that despite how we expect the situation to be, what unravels is not to our satisfaction.

Thus, disappointment sets in. We start to question, then inwardly lay judgement. Isn't that inappropriate?We would be at fault too, in such case. When are we going to learn, tell me? What if we are too late?

The world is full of opportunities; adventures. Yet it holds a bittersweet foretaste of reality.
It's complicated, it's simple, it's all in between. The worries in my head are overcrowded, some necessary to keep me on my toes, others, reflect part of my insecurities. Tap into my soul, and you will find me no different than you or anyone else; trying to survive in this temporal bliss we call world.

Ergo, writing is my escapism method. My pen is my weapon? On the contrary, it is my happy therapy. My thoughts are far more transparent in paper than they are, in my actions. I believe it transports me to a safer place, one that need not much, but inspiration and imagination. Writing becomes my heart beat, my temper regulator. Any writer will understand this. It's surprisingly passionate, sudden and overwhelming. Like an ocean, vast, just write to your heart's content.

We may have very little here on earth, but who knows of the treasures we collect in heaven.

Let us remind ourselves to expect very little but love a lot. Even in our brokenness, we can try to reach out. Let us do so in order to make a difference. Our pathways are in fact, constantly changing. Make the first move and hold your ground.

Gravity

Gravity by Sara Bareilles is my inspiration for the day.
The lyrics run in my head so clearly over and over again as it helps me regulate my emotions. Intensity is what I am known for, either consciously or unconsciously.

Flaw or no flaw I embrace it as a part of who I am.
Like gravity, it pulls me down to reality, humbles and subdues me.
Hence, I accept this as a truth. I may or may not change but I know being who I really am is more powerful than denying it to be another.

I believe in choices. I believe we control what we will uncover. Unless the very thing that breaks us, is ourselves.

I have been down the road. Tired, beaten down by the weather of the world. Expectations, they serve me only contempt and sorrow when they have a standard so high to the point of perfection. Thus, I am coming down from that cloud, which have engulf me so long.

My memory, anything but frail, is a reminder of the faith I still have.It shakes me to senses.
My thoughts, no longer shadows.
My heart, my words, no longer a burden.

If possible, grant me more time

I wish I have more time.

I really do.

It feels like my hours are shortened every day of my life. Except weekends. Phew. What a relief.
But still, I can do more with extra hours.

Thank God for friends and loved ones who understand my hectic schedule. I know I cannot always be there for them but I can promise to try.

I am learning a lot from my past mistakes by starting to see the bits of pieces falling into place.

Lord grant me wisdom and patience for the things I cannot change. This too is my wish for everyone else.

Slowly, gradually, I want to be proud of myself for emerging stronger than ever.
We are all able people. We can make it, eventually.
Let's keep our hopes and spirits high.

Accepting life and myself

Before bed yesterday I stayed up awhile to do some arrangements of the thoughts. It was a cold night accentuated with slight rain, making it easier for me to relax after a long tiring day. Ironically I did not do much but still, maybe due to my age I started to feel its effects.

However so, I am back on my feet again this morning, being it a new day.

Thus, I am hopeful to start my day with the right kind of mindset.



First comes first, I must accept life with grace. It is a kinder way to acknowledge our limitations.

Secondly, I may not be the best, but I must not punish myself for that.

Third of all, my insights must be from above. This kind of wisdom is heaven-bound and worth learning.

In life, I may have hurt people and people may hurt me, but I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. I will not justify my actions because only God has the power to do so, but I stay true to my feelings. I do not deny them. If they are wrong, I will learn from them.

They say life is too short to be overlooked. Therefore, I feel it is time for me to have a more credible sense of perspective in life. I do not want to follow the crowd, nor do I want to lead.
If happiness has a price to pay, what more to say about love? This is the way of the world.
How reassuring it is that God is the total opposite.

I want to start anew again. Build my life up from scratch.Change. Too long have I lingered in the shadows of my insecurities. Now is the time.It can never be more right. There can be a no better tomorrow if we don't take siege of the todays of our lives.

Behold strength is defined in a new meaning. Sometimes being weak does not necessarily means you are discouraged and defeated. It will be the main drive for you and me to focus on the essentials.

The only way to be free is to be who you really are, within. Don't be afraid. Let us take comfort that this world is temporary but His kingdom will have no end.
Amen.

Relaxing Easter

Woke up with a fresh new feeling. It's God's day today and ours. Happy Easter! Today draws a significant meaning to our renewed faith. May we breathe in the air with much gratitude and a much deeper sense of belonging.

As Max Lucado puts it,

" Adopted but not transported.
New family, but not a new house.
We know our Father's name,
but we haven't seen His face.
He has claimed us,
but has yet to come for us."

Went to Starbucks Jalan Song with one of my closest friend today. She made time for me this afternoon so was touched lol. We enjoyed our sip of frappucino on her part, while I took chocolate since I am allergic to coffee. Yeah I know, what a shame right? I mean,come on, I am allergic to only coffee. Damn! Sophia, if you are reading this post, I know you love coffee to bits. You should come to this place! lol

Anyway the environment there was cosy. I like the design and the feel of the building itself. Even the decor suits my taste. Me likey. Seriously. Won't want to reveal more because I think it's up to the patrons of the place to decide for themselves when they make a visit. :D

I think I could spend hours chattering away here, except that my time is limited.
:)
Will be here again next week with my youngest sis.Am sure she'll dig this place too.


My rating for this place? 4/5. haha.

Be right back. :D

(Clears throat with some discomfort).lol. Am down with the annoyingly dreaded sorethroat. Looks like I am sleeping early tonight. The body feels a bit heaty and I think it's a sign that I have not achieved ample sleep. Maybe it's time to heed the warning.

I will be back with a vengeance soon lol after I recover. Until then :) adios.

Affairs of the Soul

I rarely heed the calling to sleep. Especially not when thoughts are still actively at work. Maybe because it has become a norm to write first before retiring for the day. Actually, more of a necessity.

Hence,today I am writing a letter to myself and to everyone else as a reminder of a love that we sometimes fail to see.

"Remember that you are valiant and true. Remember when no one else loves you, God will.
He believes in you and knows what you are capable of.
He knows every single thing about you.
Remember when importance holds so much esteem in the eyes of the world,
your humble state makes you His precious one,
He walks with you in your joys and darkness,
embraces you and declares you not as a burden but a blessing.
He has sent you a star to guide you through, this peril is never meant to last.
God be with you, be brave child.
Be you.
Love is the greatest power He has bestowed upon you.
Where there is love, let there be forgiveness.
God is the treasure in our poverty-stricken life.

Beauty may leave us,
Wealth may disappear,
but a man, yet not a man,
had loved us so much,
that he became one of us,
sealing the ultimate sacrifice of redemption."

To Jesus Christ, because you choose the nails.

"I will bear your dark side," He promises.
And the path to the cross tells us exactly how far God will go to call us back.

God loves that face in the mirror.

En cette foi je veux vivre et mourir
In this faith I wish to live and to die. -Francois Villon

OMgoodness.lol

After such a long long drought of the mind, I am slowly returning to the writing scene, as in blogging lol. Anyway, I had difficulties in accessing this blogger.com too so thus fueled my procrastination as well. That aside, I am back. Many things have happened and many will stay in the memory as lessons of the past.

As Peter Ustinov puts it, "The point of living, and of being an optimist, is to be foolish enough to believe that the best is yet to come." and with that comes Albert Einstein's quote,"It's a miracle that curiosity survives formal education."

Last week, I have left the city awhile for a day, to seek some form of peace in a vast building surrounded by books. I had no idea how on earth my visit there could actually tone down my insecurities. Surprisingly it did, crazy as it seemed. Yet, it is terrible somehow to note that I have to escape in order to be free? Why me? Every sense of competitiveness dies every day. I am at the full stops of my crossroads. I do not want helplessness to consume me. The coldness of the environment heightened my refusal to return to routine. But time will eventually runs its course again, and I want the will to rise again, care not for the disappointments and failures soon to deter me. I submerge myself in writings because I am able. I am quiet to be in communion with what I lack.

Alone but not broken. Forgotten but not discouraged. Ordinary but special to few. The cost of happiness is priceless.

Hi..

It's 2009. Wow. And this is my first post of the new year. Great timing.
Owe this deeply to my acute sense of proscrastination.(yea, what bliss it is to do nothing at all whoaa, heavenly)

But I'm back... Just not that frequent and you can kindly equate me to a chipsmore.

Okay,gather round. Checklists, hmm, let's do a run through, shall we?

1. Money management ( I am a terrible accountant, mark my words)
2. Career reinforcement!(Oh man, backup please)
3. Fashion revamp! (Erm..here's where I am clueless but will try)
4. Character building!(I've been on that since forever)
5. Family oriented.. as in current and future ones!( I better, I'm supposed to be more matured, gawks.)


This is a short post because I am so uncharacteristically sleepy. lol there goes my no. 4. Well, lookout for my next post..real..soon? (doesn't sound convincing.) Anyway, tune in for more. Nights and sweet dreams.

This 2009 I want to be brighter, bolder (lol) and taffyer. Guess where I adapt that from:)