The desire of becoming a nun never once crossed my mind, least of a noisy, robust and naughty child I was, some 22 years ago. Baptized a Catholic a few days after my birth in a small town called Kanowit, my early days were a blur. Life was blissful when you were mere children with little to worry about.
However, as I grew older, I began to understand and love God more. Bible classes, Sunday Schools are a constant reminder of the faith I strongly believe in. Confirmation sealed my pledge to God. Yet, I could hardly explain the emptiness of the heart. Something was missing, and it disturbed my conscience often, this wordless pain of sleepless nights.
In my early childhood days, I recalled being taught by a lady in a white robe with veil as white as snow, which later came to be known to me as the Franciscan nun. Her ethereal peaceful look and patient disposition in no time had won me over. There was this quiet grace about her that profoundly appealed to me. Only a ponytailed little girl of 6, I wanted to be her, only to be reprimanded for my intention. Somewhat the lures of the world seemed stronger, in all excitement. For a while I forgot the simple desire of the past.
Years later, I was introduced by a friend to attend a talk on the life of a Carmelite nun, an event organized by the Carmelite nuns a few times in a year. I was intrigued. I have often wondered on their regime, especially their restrictions. I agreed to go and my first impressions therefore were very much deluded.
Although confined in their humble grounds, as their vocation states them to be, they are very much like us, individuals with vitality and vigor. Prayer is their passion and despite choosing to be cut off from the outside world, dwelling in the comforts of His sanctuary as a perpetual sacrifice, they possess more character than we would have ever imagined.
A friendship between those in the outside world, possibly future aspirants and the cordially amiable nuns were struck. The more I knew them, the more I had hoped to emulate them. Yet it did not seem so easy for me to leave everything and join them in their plights of honor. I had my commitments and red lights. Yet these Carmelite nuns, God bless their souls, encouraged me on, even in my doubts. How I long for clarity in these uncertain times. Their perseverance and optimism were traits I wish were mine.
If only circumstances were easier. I am still, continuously praying and seeking for answers. Let Him show the way if this path is my cross to bear. We plan but only God decides.
-He calls us in the depth of the nights, hear Him, answer Him and let Him bring us deliverance-
Testimony of an aspirant,
Taffy Jong
