Searching for an atonement

I may never confront the receiver of this letter I am about to pen. I don't feel the need to. It will never even fall into hands. This is because I fully conform to the futility of such an effort. Attitudes only rectify themselves when totally to their own accord.

I have my flaws but some people masterfully put them in a way that they intensify. Naturally, I get all defensive. It seems as though the words of another vary until yours trully appears to be at fault. This does not rest easy on my conscience.

I have to be granted better judgement. This applies to those whom have suffered similar predicament. Is that such a hard thing to comply to because it means submission?

Thus, I start off with an open confrontation made possible by this letter.

Dear anonymous,

When you have this letter, upon reading it, accidentally maybe, due to the fact it is made known to others but you, there is a high possibility that our friendship will waver. There are no names mentioned and identities are protected. Yet, I wonder if you comprehend the core of the matter I now hereby direct to you.

I don't know why in the first place I bother, because usually,in emphasis to the character I am, I almost always let the issue slide, but no, not this time. I would like to say, it is not I who has drifted away, as I often come across as the initiator to keep in touch. While you.....you merely initiate on the account of your mood. You're like the weather, either sunny or rainy. I cannot keep up with you.

I am tired trying to explain. Why do you sound like you mock me in your casualness? Why are you so hard to please, too arrogant to be humble, too high-leveled to be grounded? It centers around you, you, you. You are in a position where you manage to get away being yourself, don't you know that?

No matter how you treat me, I was blind( so blind) to develop some kind of emotion for you. More than care, alas a little short from love because it was never reciprocated. A wrong decision but ironically a very good one too. From there, I saw how you ignored me. It was an experience beyond regret and all reason.

Rejection has taught me many things. Two of most would be strength and brutal reality.
Thank you for this eye-opener.I emerge scathed but not broken.

When I finally thought the storms have blown over, a bomb landed on my face flat.
After 5 months, we met, this time you took the lead. I made the wrong move in agreeing to see you.
You were still you, as anticipated, not once addressing a word on how I felt when you left me hanging without answers. And I thought, wow, some kind of friend you are.

Perhaps I have hurt you in the past before, resulting in this indication. Now I demand you ask how I felt.

My answer?

No. I will not give you that liberty. Not anymore.

I have said enough. I will proceed to burying this carcass of ugly thoughts into the earth of my deepest realms.

For this is my very own act of redemption. I do not live to bear grudges. And I do not want to start them with you.
Let us part with yesterdays. It is not ours for the taking.

There, I feel so much better now. I pray for peace now that I choose to shake my grounds of silence.