Heartache

Am disheartened today. Just felt I had to jot in a few words or two. The heart is in silent turmoil. But they don't see it because I hide in a thousand smiles.

Today, I have doubts that I feel I need to address. Yet if I address them, I fear some will have grave consequences.What can I do?

So perhaps it is better to try to be strong in the wake of distress.
I slept for a while just now in order for me to continue my assignments. It will be another long night and possible long early dawn.This is the price to pay for the education of the young generation. We have been commented on, been compared to. Can we test the deep waters of faith?
If we waver, will it affect our integrity?

I used to believe I had a chance at happiness.
Now it is shattered because as usual it is one sided.
I will leave my two heartaches aside to make way for a better future.

I will be strong because I know God loves me.

AF447

I cannot sit still until I know what happened on the AF447. I usually don't display such interest in world news but this involves aviation and lives that perished in such a state it's inconceivable.

I cannot fathom as to why a technology so equipped as the Airbus330 could meet its final end in such a compellingly devastating manner. I mean, it's a relatively safe plane. We have many fleets of this model in the world.Perhaps in studying how, why and what, lives can be saved in the future.

We have to understand that this state of the art aircraft is operated fly-by-wire. This simply means computerized.The pilot's controls are not directly connected to the aircraft controls. It actually just sends a signal to the computer, and the computers on board actually drive the flight controls.There are four fully redundant electrical systems on an Airbus - and if the worst happens a manual flight control system allows the crew to manipulate the rudder and the fine aero-surface controls called trim tabs.

I have no idea until I came across an article on this in CNN.com.

We know Flight 447 struggled to fend off violent thunderstorms in the Intertropical Convergence Zone. It's essentially where the North Atlantic meets South Atlantic off the coast of Brazil.
This is the danger zone where the trade winds from the Northern Hemisphere and Southern Hemisphere meet. It spawns rare hell-raising thunderstorms( I kid you not) and severe turbulences. Hurricanes make things worse if encountered. It was believed this aircraft was struck by lightning, maybe even several.Some probably got into the system, messing up the computers one by one and disabling radar.The crew was thrown the obstacle of trying to manage in the dark, over the ocean and without weather radar as they stumbled towards some epic cumulus nimbus thunderheads.But the whole point is, can only lightning bring this aeroplane down? Planes are designed to withstand lightning strikes.Thus, this means there might have been a cascade of events starting from a voltage surge provoking massive electrical failure.

The Brazilian air force says the plane was traveling at an altitude of 35,000 feet at the speed of 521 miles per hour when it simply vanished from radar. So is this travelling speed safe or dangerous? I need an airline safety analyst expert to explain all these, sincerely, as I have no clue.One thing for sure, there was not even a distress call from the aeroplane itself, bringing possibility that the whole incident was utterly quick.

Then a recent probe reveals that the airspeed instruments have not been replaced on the AF447.

In addition to that,the investigation is increasingly focused on whether external instruments may have iced over, confusing speed sensors and leading computers to set the plane's speed too fast or slow -- a potentially deadly mistake in severe turbulence.

Pitot tubes, protruding from the wing or fuselage of a plane, feed airspeed sensors and are heated to prevent icing. A blocked or malfunctioning Pitot tube could cause an airspeed sensor to work incorrectly and cause the computer controlling the plane to accelerate or decelerate in a potentially dangerous fashion.

Gathering all these seem to be telling a story of the whole system malfunctioning at once.Indeed very grave.

As quoted from the New York Post,the sequence of the crash,

At 11pm (2am GMT) pilot Marc Dubois sent a manual signal saying he was flying through an area of 'CBs' - black, electrically charged cumulonimbus clouds that carry violent winds and lightning.

At 11.10pm, automatic messages relayed by the jetliner indicated the autopilot had disengaged.
This suggested Dubois and his two co-pilots were trying to thread their way through the storm manually.
At this point a key computer system had switched to alternative power and controls needed to keep the plane stable had been damaged.
An alarm also sounded, indicating that the 'fly-by-wire' system on the Airbus that controls the flaps on the wings had shifted to 'alternate law'.
Alternate law is an emergency back-up system that kicks in after an electronic failure. It enables the plane to keep functioning with less energy - but reduces stability, which would have been desperately needed as the pilots battled to bring the jet safely out of the turbulence.

At 11.12pm, two key computers monitoring air speed, altitude and direction failed. These would have increased the pilot's loss of control over the plane.
The loss of instruments showing air speed in particular would have been detrimental. The pilot was trying to fly a fine line between slowing the plane enough to navigate through the turbulence, and not slowing so much that the plane stalled mid-air, which would have been catastrophic.
The messages show there was an inconsistency between the different measured airspeeds shortly after the plane entered the storm zone.

At 11.13pm, control of the main flight computer, back up system and wing spoilers also failed.
The last automatic message, at 11.14pm, indicated complete electrical failure and a massive loss of cabin pressure - catastrophic events

There are still no clear answers but with the latest developments in the extrication of some of the bodies and plane debris,it is a small consolation that the families get to bury their beloved.

The Fray's Vienna

The day's last one-way ticket train pulls in
We smile for the casual closure capturing
There goes the downpour
Here goes my fare thee well

There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
'Cause I'm already gone

Only so many words that we can say
Spoken upon long-distance melody
This is my hello
This is my goodness

There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
'Cause I'm already gone

Maybe in five or ten yours and mine will meet again
Straighten this whole thing out
Maybe then honesty need not be feared as a friend or an enemy
This is the distance
And this is my game face

There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
Is there really no way to reach me
Am I already gone?

So this is your maverick
This is Vienna.

So yeah, there's no way to reach me if I feel like I can't be reached. I don't hide well but I will if I have to. Can you read me? If yes, I will never hurt again. So come into the light and feel what I feel.

What I keep up to.

One of the many ambitions that I have hoped to be, include the fascination of being a pilot. I have always been awed by the magnificence of the aeroplane, its engineering systems, principles and the ability for such an enormously heavy mode of transportation to score the skies so high.

It's amazing, really,the wonders of modern technology and the advancement of the intellect. I think I was about 7 or 8 when I voiced out my desire, and please please I am not kidding, I also contemplated being a police or a soldier. Some kind of a little girl I was:)

Of course all were met with laughs by my parents and my siblings. As for me, I'll just see where the future leads me. I never ended up being any of these three professions.:) Yet out of these three, I still harbor thoughts of the first despite the fact that I am almost reaching my 3rd decade. Too old to be enrolled,without the perfect vision hahaha.I don't think gender is a problem. I have dedication and motivation. My love for aeroplanes came about more, when after my high school days, I travelled to and fro Kuala Lumpur to further my studies there, with semester breaks. Although I usually use MAS in the past before 1997,my first flight to college was with Air Asia, now awarded the best budget airline in Malaysia.I still use AirAsia when travelling back to hq in KL on business trips.I always like the adrenaline rush when the aeroplane takes off. I almost always positioned myself on the window next to the wings. I don't know why I do that but it's like an automatic response.lol. It's like a romance in the sky, a feeling of surreality once you are travelling through clouds. I would relax and delight myself with a book or two, but mostly I find more contentment in looking outside into the realm of the outer atmosphere.Two of my favourite sceneries are the sunsets and Kuching aerial view at night.Simply breathtaking.There was once I thought of going to the flight deck to see how the pilots work their magic. But until now, I have yet the opportunity. After the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks, all major airlines fortified that area against access in case of threat by hijackers, so perhaps civilians too are not allowed.

Then I heard the news. On Sunday night,a day before Gawai, AF 447 went missing shortly after 24 auto messages.Auto pilot had been disengaged, giving possibilities of electrical system shutdown. 228 people including plane crew were feared dead.It was believed the plane broke up in mid-air shortly before plunging into the Atlantic Oceans due to loss of cabin pressure.The aircraft involved was an Airbus A330-200, with dual General Electric CF6-80E1 engines.

For someone who loves flying, I kept on thinking about the passengers, and the 3 experienced pilots of which 2 were co-pilots managing the plane that fateful night. It was well almost halfway on an 11-hour journey from Rio de Janeiro to Paris when problems started to arise right after one of the pilots sent back a manual message that they were going through turbulent weather.10 minutes later, auto messages showed series of malfunctions which lead to the tragedy. Since June 1, I have been following the news in the hopes of a miracle. None it seems would surface.

Up to date, on 6th June it was reported that the Brazilian Air Force had located two bodies, confirmed 2 male passengers and some debris from the missing aircraft. The mystery that surrounds this crash may turn out to be a long, sad story. The last accounts of those harrowing and devastating moments simply cannot be described in words. For now, it is crucial to find the black boxes and flight recorders to get to the bottom of the mishap. Experts say this might be impossible due to the vast area of search, accentuated with the rough conditions of the sea currents. Not to mention the depth of where these instruments may be.The time is ticking as these instruments only emit signals for 30 days. The French and Brazilian force have now 23 days to go.

I can only pray and hope for answers especially to the families of the departed.The feeling of not knowing anything is beyond grief. I can also say after reading reports, those 3 pilot did battle for 15 minutes to stop this catastrophe but alas, to no avail. It is believed they did try to switch course, taking a reversed route to safety but perhaps a task too difficult to maneuver if it was true that there were inaccurate speed readings at the altitude they were travelling.

The crash was sudden and brutal.

Fate has no name nor compromise.

In the wake of this event, it is understandable many will fear the consequences of flying. I too share this notion. But relatively, air travel, to some sources, is still one of the safest. Road accidents claimed life more, so to say.

Now, I respect pilots more for the risks that they are taking and the lives that are in their hands. Such a big commitment. Sometimes, we cannot thoroughly blame the pilots or the plane systems.With so many what ifs,what has happened only God knows the answers. We can only pray that after this horrendous aftermath, we appreciate life more and that it is not in our hands, most of the time.

Searching for an atonement

I may never confront the receiver of this letter I am about to pen. I don't feel the need to. It will never even fall into hands. This is because I fully conform to the futility of such an effort. Attitudes only rectify themselves when totally to their own accord.

I have my flaws but some people masterfully put them in a way that they intensify. Naturally, I get all defensive. It seems as though the words of another vary until yours trully appears to be at fault. This does not rest easy on my conscience.

I have to be granted better judgement. This applies to those whom have suffered similar predicament. Is that such a hard thing to comply to because it means submission?

Thus, I start off with an open confrontation made possible by this letter.

Dear anonymous,

When you have this letter, upon reading it, accidentally maybe, due to the fact it is made known to others but you, there is a high possibility that our friendship will waver. There are no names mentioned and identities are protected. Yet, I wonder if you comprehend the core of the matter I now hereby direct to you.

I don't know why in the first place I bother, because usually,in emphasis to the character I am, I almost always let the issue slide, but no, not this time. I would like to say, it is not I who has drifted away, as I often come across as the initiator to keep in touch. While you.....you merely initiate on the account of your mood. You're like the weather, either sunny or rainy. I cannot keep up with you.

I am tired trying to explain. Why do you sound like you mock me in your casualness? Why are you so hard to please, too arrogant to be humble, too high-leveled to be grounded? It centers around you, you, you. You are in a position where you manage to get away being yourself, don't you know that?

No matter how you treat me, I was blind( so blind) to develop some kind of emotion for you. More than care, alas a little short from love because it was never reciprocated. A wrong decision but ironically a very good one too. From there, I saw how you ignored me. It was an experience beyond regret and all reason.

Rejection has taught me many things. Two of most would be strength and brutal reality.
Thank you for this eye-opener.I emerge scathed but not broken.

When I finally thought the storms have blown over, a bomb landed on my face flat.
After 5 months, we met, this time you took the lead. I made the wrong move in agreeing to see you.
You were still you, as anticipated, not once addressing a word on how I felt when you left me hanging without answers. And I thought, wow, some kind of friend you are.

Perhaps I have hurt you in the past before, resulting in this indication. Now I demand you ask how I felt.

My answer?

No. I will not give you that liberty. Not anymore.

I have said enough. I will proceed to burying this carcass of ugly thoughts into the earth of my deepest realms.

For this is my very own act of redemption. I do not live to bear grudges. And I do not want to start them with you.
Let us part with yesterdays. It is not ours for the taking.

There, I feel so much better now. I pray for peace now that I choose to shake my grounds of silence.

Icebox

A friend of mine introduced to me this song. Really nice actually, although I never heard of the singer. I loved the piano cover more, btw, by David Sides:) Awesome playing.

I think emotions suddenly rushed over.Not many songs have that sort of capability to overwhelm me to that degree. But this one did.

For me, it is sad to have regrets.
It is such a pity to have music in your head but no ability to play it,
nor the voice to belt it out.
So hence I try to be contented in composing it.
Perhaps the closest to music I'll ever get.
Like the song, Icebox,
I got this ice box where my heart used to be,
I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold.

If I have a choice, I'll do everything to make it all okay again.

Inspired? lol

It's kind of strange not writing for a long time again.
Like intervals one after the other.
It feels even stranger when you start writing again.

I've finished the pianist story during Gawai, inspired by Twilight, surprisingly.

I never thought I would like the movie. I mean a vampire and a human? It's ridiculous. But workable, much to my astonishment. The chemistry was actually explosive lol. One of the prominent ones that include the list of Jamie and Landon Carter. Not to mention Margaret and John Thornton. Anyway, I know it's supposed to be like an adolescent movie, as in Twilight and stuff like that but hey so is A Walk To Remember. I loved it, still.

Maybe in this realistic world, I longed for the kind of love that dazzle and consume you. Someone who feels protective over you and makes you his life. Who complements you and treats you like an equal.Hmmm. It's okay to dream I am sure. But alas. I cannot comment further on the individuals that come across my paths.

So when I get tired of reality, I simply create characters that appeal to my senses. Doesn't matter if the happiness is an illusion. It's a work of art. As simple as that.