Talking, knowing, understanding but hurting in the end

I am awake but it still feels like dreaming.
I could not forget the conversations, as much as I tried too.
Monday was long way past but..........
words they stayed on like a nail hammered into the head.
Sometimes I prayed for no emotion.
Goodness, if only I was that heartless.

I do not know my true feelings at all
so I end up not saying it,
ignoring it....
I can't take it if the final word is rejection.
Because I still long for friendship,
when the truth is unveiled.

And what truth is that when I have to hide and put on a brave front, like I always do,
for 8 years......
I still hate goodbyes.
I won't say it,
so I'll be content with what I have today,
the only way God feels is best for me.