Grow close.Grow wise.

Hail Mary

2010-05-13T14:40:00.004+08:00

Hail Mary the Lord is with you,
blessed are you amongst women,
and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb Jesus,
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us
sinners now and at the hour of our death,
Amen.

Toughen up Little One

2010-05-13T14:09:00.002+08:00

I know how it is like being rejected.
I know how it is like being left out in the cold.
I know how it is like, really.
God loves me still, despite all that.
I should remember He was rejected as well.
I should remember He was not welcomed at one point at a time.
I should remember He was not cared for.
Then why am I feeling so rotten and sad?
Why do I put such a high expectation? Why?
God, now I know how You hurt... even more hurt than what I appear to be feeling inside.
Oh God.........
I really don't belong here.

Love,
Your little one.

Secrets

2010-05-13T11:47:00.004+08:00

If we know each other’s secret, what comforts we should find.
John Churton Collins

Yesterday I rediscovered myself.
Yesterday I bid the old me farewell.
Yesterday I kissed the past and let it go.
Today I am comforted by the fact that I still have more time on earth to do good.
Today I am a strong fortress.
Today I learn not to think about myself only..and compassion is redefined.
I promise to be the only exception.
This is kindness to oneself:)

It's a little sad.,

2010-05-13T02:08:00.001+08:00

I do not want to believe it. I really don't. But sometimes it is true... all guys are the same... I don't want to think it that way, but they are. I should have been wiser. Silly me.Urgh. I am stronger than that. Lord, please give me the grace to accept this weakness in me and that I may forgive myself for this flaw that I often commit. Amen.

Appreciate your loved ones..

2010-05-12T13:42:00.000+08:00

"You may not be her first her last or her only. she loved before, she may love again. but if she loves you now, what else matters? she's not perfect- you aren't either and the two of you may never be perfect together... but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice and admit to being human and making mistakes hold on to her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break-- her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy let her know when she makes you mad and miss her when she's not there." -- Bob Marley

Flattery

2010-05-12T13:33:00.000+08:00

Please don't flatter yourself,
You're not the only one,
this heart has ever felt.

Please don't exaggerate,
don't tell me you're okay,
you're okay and that you care.

I will admit it, if you admit it,
It's harder than we both know,
It's easy to fall apart,
look where we are...

I can forgive it,
I can't forget it,
You're melting me with all these scars,
but you can't see,
that the heart is scarred,
I'm not in your heart.

We're both hurt than we appear,
the world will never know,
we both have tasted tears, my dear,
You're denying what I say,
I bruise easily,
How about you?

Bye bye sorrow..

2010-05-11T20:00:00.004+08:00

I think I need to move on. I only have enough strength as bestowed by the Almighty. I know this road I take will be rocky and winding but I am sure to find some form of happiness along the way. I just need to appreciate who I am.
There is no use remaining sad. It is not good for health too.
I slept for quite a while just now, so I think I am more refreshed to start anew.
For now, I do not expect anything at all. I just want God to stay,it is comforting to hold His hand in such times.

KPLI

2010-05-07T08:19:00.003+08:00

I am soon to finish KPLI. Throughout my time training to be a teacher,I have met a few good friends. I am glad to say I have some trustworthy friends that I will appreciate for a lifetime. You know who you are. In short, we have been some good and rough times together. How can I ever forget my experience here?
This is a toast to friends who care and are not biased, accepting me for who I am.
This is a tribute to those who make me feel like my presence is significant.
This is a tribute to friends who are naughty but nice. Do not judge them for who they potray outside. They may be playful but in actual fact, they have a good heart.
This is for those who do not judge me and belittle me for my less than stellar qualities.
Whatever it is, here's a shout out to the memories in IPTAR and the KPLI group!
Be teachers that make a difference.

"Language is the core of life. Teaching it unleashes life's true meaning."

Heartache

2009-09-01T23:56:00.002+08:00

Am disheartened today. Just felt I had to jot in a few words or two. The heart is in silent turmoil. But they don't see it because I hide in a thousand smiles.

Today, I have doubts that I feel I need to address. Yet if I address them, I fear some will have grave consequences.What can I do?

So perhaps it is better to try to be strong in the wake of distress.
I slept for a while just now in order for me to continue my assignments. It will be another long night and possible long early dawn.This is the price to pay for the education of the young generation. We have been commented on, been compared to. Can we test the deep waters of faith?
If we waver, will it affect our integrity?

I used to believe I had a chance at happiness.
Now it is shattered because as usual it is one sided.
I will leave my two heartaches aside to make way for a better future.

I will be strong because I know God loves me.

AF447

2009-06-09T00:59:00.002+08:00

I cannot sit still until I know what happened on the AF447. I usually don't display such interest in world news but this involves aviation and lives that perished in such a state it's inconceivable.

I cannot fathom as to why a technology so equipped as the Airbus330 could meet its final end in such a compellingly devastating manner. I mean, it's a relatively safe plane. We have many fleets of this model in the world.Perhaps in studying how, why and what, lives can be saved in the future.

We have to understand that this state of the art aircraft is operated fly-by-wire. This simply means computerized.The pilot's controls are not directly connected to the aircraft controls. It actually just sends a signal to the computer, and the computers on board actually drive the flight controls.There are four fully redundant electrical systems on an Airbus - and if the worst happens a manual flight control system allows the crew to manipulate the rudder and the fine aero-surface controls called trim tabs.

I have no idea until I came across an article on this in CNN.com.

We know Flight 447 struggled to fend off violent thunderstorms in the Intertropical Convergence Zone. It's essentially where the North Atlantic meets South Atlantic off the coast of Brazil.
This is the danger zone where the trade winds from the Northern Hemisphere and Southern Hemisphere meet. It spawns rare hell-raising thunderstorms( I kid you not) and severe turbulences. Hurricanes make things worse if encountered. It was believed this aircraft was struck by lightning, maybe even several.Some probably got into the system, messing up the computers one by one and disabling radar.The crew was thrown the obstacle of trying to manage in the dark, over the ocean and without weather radar as they stumbled towards some epic cumulus nimbus thunderheads.But the whole point is, can only lightning bring this aeroplane down? Planes are designed to withstand lightning strikes.Thus, this means there might have been a cascade of events starting from a voltage surge provoking massive electrical failure.

The Brazilian air force says the plane was traveling at an altitude of 35,000 feet at the speed of 521 miles per hour when it simply vanished from radar. So is this travelling speed safe or dangerous? I need an airline safety analyst expert to explain all these, sincerely, as I have no clue.One thing for sure, there was not even a distress call from the aeroplane itself, bringing possibility that the whole incident was utterly quick.

Then a recent probe reveals that the airspeed instruments have not been replaced on the AF447.

In addition to that,the investigation is increasingly focused on whether external instruments may have iced over, confusing speed sensors and leading computers to set the plane's speed too fast or slow -- a potentially deadly mistake in severe turbulence.

Pitot tubes, protruding from the wing or fuselage of a plane, feed airspeed sensors and are heated to prevent icing. A blocked or malfunctioning Pitot tube could cause an airspeed sensor to work incorrectly and cause the computer controlling the plane to accelerate or decelerate in a potentially dangerous fashion.

Gathering all these seem to be telling a story of the whole system malfunctioning at once.Indeed very grave.

As quoted from the New York Post,the sequence of the crash,

At 11pm (2am GMT) pilot Marc Dubois sent a manual signal saying he was flying through an area of 'CBs' - black, electrically charged cumulonimbus clouds that carry violent winds and lightning.

At 11.10pm, automatic messages relayed by the jetliner indicated the autopilot had disengaged.
This suggested Dubois and his two co-pilots were trying to thread their way through the storm manually.
At this point a key computer system had switched to alternative power and controls needed to keep the plane stable had been damaged.
An alarm also sounded, indicating that the 'fly-by-wire' system on the Airbus that controls the flaps on the wings had shifted to 'alternate law'.
Alternate law is an emergency back-up system that kicks in after an electronic failure. It enables the plane to keep functioning with less energy - but reduces stability, which would have been desperately needed as the pilots battled to bring the jet safely out of the turbulence.

At 11.12pm, two key computers monitoring air speed, altitude and direction failed. These would have increased the pilot's loss of control over the plane.
The loss of instruments showing air speed in particular would have been detrimental. The pilot was trying to fly a fine line between slowing the plane enough to navigate through the turbulence, and not slowing so much that the plane stalled mid-air, which would have been catastrophic.
The messages show there was an inconsistency between the different measured airspeeds shortly after the plane entered the storm zone.

At 11.13pm, control of the main flight computer, back up system and wing spoilers also failed.
The last automatic message, at 11.14pm, indicated complete electrical failure and a massive loss of cabin pressure - catastrophic events

There are still no clear answers but with the latest developments in the extrication of some of the bodies and plane debris,it is a small consolation that the families get to bury their beloved.

The Fray's Vienna

2009-06-07T20:52:00.002+08:00

The day's last one-way ticket train pulls in
We smile for the casual closure capturing
There goes the downpour
Here goes my fare thee well

There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
'Cause I'm already gone

Only so many words that we can say
Spoken upon long-distance melody
This is my hello
This is my goodness

There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
'Cause I'm already gone

Maybe in five or ten yours and mine will meet again
Straighten this whole thing out
Maybe then honesty need not be feared as a friend or an enemy
This is the distance
And this is my game face

There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
Is there really no way to reach me
Am I already gone?

So this is your maverick
This is Vienna.

So yeah, there's no way to reach me if I feel like I can't be reached. I don't hide well but I will if I have to. Can you read me? If yes, I will never hurt again. So come into the light and feel what I feel.

What I keep up to.

2009-06-07T18:43:00.006+08:00

One of the many ambitions that I have hoped to be, include the fascination of being a pilot. I have always been awed by the magnificence of the aeroplane, its engineering systems, principles and the ability for such an enormously heavy mode of transportation to score the skies so high.

It's amazing, really,the wonders of modern technology and the advancement of the intellect. I think I was about 7 or 8 when I voiced out my desire, and please please I am not kidding, I also contemplated being a police or a soldier. Some kind of a little girl I was:)

Of course all were met with laughs by my parents and my siblings. As for me, I'll just see where the future leads me. I never ended up being any of these three professions.:) Yet out of these three, I still harbor thoughts of the first despite the fact that I am almost reaching my 3rd decade. Too old to be enrolled,without the perfect vision hahaha.I don't think gender is a problem. I have dedication and motivation. My love for aeroplanes came about more, when after my high school days, I travelled to and fro Kuala Lumpur to further my studies there, with semester breaks. Although I usually use MAS in the past before 1997,my first flight to college was with Air Asia, now awarded the best budget airline in Malaysia.I still use AirAsia when travelling back to hq in KL on business trips.I always like the adrenaline rush when the aeroplane takes off. I almost always positioned myself on the window next to the wings. I don't know why I do that but it's like an automatic response.lol. It's like a romance in the sky, a feeling of surreality once you are travelling through clouds. I would relax and delight myself with a book or two, but mostly I find more contentment in looking outside into the realm of the outer atmosphere.Two of my favourite sceneries are the sunsets and Kuching aerial view at night.Simply breathtaking.There was once I thought of going to the flight deck to see how the pilots work their magic. But until now, I have yet the opportunity. After the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks, all major airlines fortified that area against access in case of threat by hijackers, so perhaps civilians too are not allowed.

Then I heard the news. On Sunday night,a day before Gawai, AF 447 went missing shortly after 24 auto messages.Auto pilot had been disengaged, giving possibilities of electrical system shutdown. 228 people including plane crew were feared dead.It was believed the plane broke up in mid-air shortly before plunging into the Atlantic Oceans due to loss of cabin pressure.The aircraft involved was an Airbus A330-200, with dual General Electric CF6-80E1 engines.

For someone who loves flying, I kept on thinking about the passengers, and the 3 experienced pilots of which 2 were co-pilots managing the plane that fateful night. It was well almost halfway on an 11-hour journey from Rio de Janeiro to Paris when problems started to arise right after one of the pilots sent back a manual message that they were going through turbulent weather.10 minutes later, auto messages showed series of malfunctions which lead to the tragedy. Since June 1, I have been following the news in the hopes of a miracle. None it seems would surface.

Up to date, on 6th June it was reported that the Brazilian Air Force had located two bodies, confirmed 2 male passengers and some debris from the missing aircraft. The mystery that surrounds this crash may turn out to be a long, sad story. The last accounts of those harrowing and devastating moments simply cannot be described in words. For now, it is crucial to find the black boxes and flight recorders to get to the bottom of the mishap. Experts say this might be impossible due to the vast area of search, accentuated with the rough conditions of the sea currents. Not to mention the depth of where these instruments may be.The time is ticking as these instruments only emit signals for 30 days. The French and Brazilian force have now 23 days to go.

I can only pray and hope for answers especially to the families of the departed.The feeling of not knowing anything is beyond grief. I can also say after reading reports, those 3 pilot did battle for 15 minutes to stop this catastrophe but alas, to no avail. It is believed they did try to switch course, taking a reversed route to safety but perhaps a task too difficult to maneuver if it was true that there were inaccurate speed readings at the altitude they were travelling.

The crash was sudden and brutal.

Fate has no name nor compromise.

In the wake of this event, it is understandable many will fear the consequences of flying. I too share this notion. But relatively, air travel, to some sources, is still one of the safest. Road accidents claimed life more, so to say.

Now, I respect pilots more for the risks that they are taking and the lives that are in their hands. Such a big commitment. Sometimes, we cannot thoroughly blame the pilots or the plane systems.With so many what ifs,what has happened only God knows the answers. We can only pray that after this horrendous aftermath, we appreciate life more and that it is not in our hands, most of the time.

Searching for an atonement

2009-06-04T22:04:00.003+08:00

I may never confront the receiver of this letter I am about to pen. I don't feel the need to. It will never even fall into hands. This is because I fully conform to the futility of such an effort. Attitudes only rectify themselves when totally to their own accord.

I have my flaws but some people masterfully put them in a way that they intensify. Naturally, I get all defensive. It seems as though the words of another vary until yours trully appears to be at fault. This does not rest easy on my conscience.

I have to be granted better judgement. This applies to those whom have suffered similar predicament. Is that such a hard thing to comply to because it means submission?

Thus, I start off with an open confrontation made possible by this letter.

Dear anonymous,

When you have this letter, upon reading it, accidentally maybe, due to the fact it is made known to others but you, there is a high possibility that our friendship will waver. There are no names mentioned and identities are protected. Yet, I wonder if you comprehend the core of the matter I now hereby direct to you.

I don't know why in the first place I bother, because usually,in emphasis to the character I am, I almost always let the issue slide, but no, not this time. I would like to say, it is not I who has drifted away, as I often come across as the initiator to keep in touch. While you.....you merely initiate on the account of your mood. You're like the weather, either sunny or rainy. I cannot keep up with you.

I am tired trying to explain. Why do you sound like you mock me in your casualness? Why are you so hard to please, too arrogant to be humble, too high-leveled to be grounded? It centers around you, you, you. You are in a position where you manage to get away being yourself, don't you know that?

No matter how you treat me, I was blind( so blind) to develop some kind of emotion for you. More than care, alas a little short from love because it was never reciprocated. A wrong decision but ironically a very good one too. From there, I saw how you ignored me. It was an experience beyond regret and all reason.

Rejection has taught me many things. Two of most would be strength and brutal reality.
Thank you for this eye-opener.I emerge scathed but not broken.

When I finally thought the storms have blown over, a bomb landed on my face flat.
After 5 months, we met, this time you took the lead. I made the wrong move in agreeing to see you.
You were still you, as anticipated, not once addressing a word on how I felt when you left me hanging without answers. And I thought, wow, some kind of friend you are.

Perhaps I have hurt you in the past before, resulting in this indication. Now I demand you ask how I felt.

My answer?

No. I will not give you that liberty. Not anymore.

I have said enough. I will proceed to burying this carcass of ugly thoughts into the earth of my deepest realms.

For this is my very own act of redemption. I do not live to bear grudges. And I do not want to start them with you.
Let us part with yesterdays. It is not ours for the taking.

There, I feel so much better now. I pray for peace now that I choose to shake my grounds of silence.

Icebox

2009-06-04T00:26:00.003+08:00

A friend of mine introduced to me this song. Really nice actually, although I never heard of the singer. I loved the piano cover more, btw, by David Sides:) Awesome playing.

I think emotions suddenly rushed over.Not many songs have that sort of capability to overwhelm me to that degree. But this one did.

For me, it is sad to have regrets.
It is such a pity to have music in your head but no ability to play it,
nor the voice to belt it out.
So hence I try to be contented in composing it.
Perhaps the closest to music I'll ever get.
Like the song, Icebox,
I got this ice box where my heart used to be,
I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold.

If I have a choice, I'll do everything to make it all okay again.

Inspired? lol

2009-06-03T08:31:00.006+08:00

It's kind of strange not writing for a long time again.
Like intervals one after the other.
It feels even stranger when you start writing again.

I've finished the pianist story during Gawai, inspired by Twilight, surprisingly.

I never thought I would like the movie. I mean a vampire and a human? It's ridiculous. But workable, much to my astonishment. The chemistry was actually explosive lol. One of the prominent ones that include the list of Jamie and Landon Carter. Not to mention Margaret and John Thornton. Anyway, I know it's supposed to be like an adolescent movie, as in Twilight and stuff like that but hey so is A Walk To Remember. I loved it, still.

Maybe in this realistic world, I longed for the kind of love that dazzle and consume you. Someone who feels protective over you and makes you his life. Who complements you and treats you like an equal.Hmmm. It's okay to dream I am sure. But alas. I cannot comment further on the individuals that come across my paths.

So when I get tired of reality, I simply create characters that appeal to my senses. Doesn't matter if the happiness is an illusion. It's a work of art. As simple as that.

Look at the heart

2009-04-18T22:27:00.002+08:00

I wish to emphasize specifically on this.

The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the appearance but the Lord looks at the heart.

It is a crucial reminder to me thus I feel it worth sharing as a reflection to see many things in a different light. Care to join me in my thoughts?

As Michael Warden puts it, DON’T make it your ambition to do great things for God; make it your ambition to have a great heart for God-then the ‘great things’ will take care of themselves. You will always have people who try to measure your life by some great act of service or sacrifice.

“You are godly if you do this or that.”

That is pure foolishness-we are not made holy by any work we do and don’t do. There are multitudes of people who do so called great deeds every day but their hearts are not right.

Frankly, God isn’t the least bit interested in their great acts of service. Whether you preach to thousands or quietly mop floors means little to Him. What matters to God is the heart.

To grow up in Christ, we must understand that God is far more concerned with our inner lives than He is with our outer lives. That is not to say that you should go off and sin at will. But it does mean that you will never grow up as long as you keep putting the cart before the horse. Strive to have a pure, humble and passionate heart for God. Make that your sole ambition. Then you will find yourself doing great things for God without even being conscious of it.

Don’t worry about having a great reputation with people. No matter how you live, there will always be some people who accept you, and some who reject you.

Instead, continuously ask yourself the question that matters: What is my reputation with God?

Bam, his words knocked me off like magic. Just the reading I needed this relaxing Saturday night. Oh my, how can I be so blind all these while lol. Alas, I admit, I am only human. I make mistakes. I acknowledge them and I will try to improve. It is easier said than done, no doubt but let us have the every bit of determination to make change happen for the better.

Shall we?

Expect little and happy therapy

2009-04-17T00:21:00.003+08:00

Expect little.

These words have imparted me tremendously. Simply because it is the truth.

It is strange to note how long it takes me to realize that despite how we expect the situation to be, what unravels is not to our satisfaction.

Thus, disappointment sets in. We start to question, then inwardly lay judgement. Isn't that inappropriate?We would be at fault too, in such case. When are we going to learn, tell me? What if we are too late?

The world is full of opportunities; adventures. Yet it holds a bittersweet foretaste of reality.
It's complicated, it's simple, it's all in between. The worries in my head are overcrowded, some necessary to keep me on my toes, others, reflect part of my insecurities. Tap into my soul, and you will find me no different than you or anyone else; trying to survive in this temporal bliss we call world.

Ergo, writing is my escapism method. My pen is my weapon? On the contrary, it is my happy therapy. My thoughts are far more transparent in paper than they are, in my actions. I believe it transports me to a safer place, one that need not much, but inspiration and imagination. Writing becomes my heart beat, my temper regulator. Any writer will understand this. It's surprisingly passionate, sudden and overwhelming. Like an ocean, vast, just write to your heart's content.

We may have very little here on earth, but who knows of the treasures we collect in heaven.

Let us remind ourselves to expect very little but love a lot. Even in our brokenness, we can try to reach out. Let us do so in order to make a difference. Our pathways are in fact, constantly changing. Make the first move and hold your ground.

Gravity

2009-04-14T22:50:00.001+08:00

Gravity by Sara Bareilles is my inspiration for the day.
The lyrics run in my head so clearly over and over again as it helps me regulate my emotions. Intensity is what I am known for, either consciously or unconsciously.

Flaw or no flaw I embrace it as a part of who I am.
Like gravity, it pulls me down to reality, humbles and subdues me.
Hence, I accept this as a truth. I may or may not change but I know being who I really am is more powerful than denying it to be another.

I believe in choices. I believe we control what we will uncover. Unless the very thing that breaks us, is ourselves.

I have been down the road. Tired, beaten down by the weather of the world. Expectations, they serve me only contempt and sorrow when they have a standard so high to the point of perfection. Thus, I am coming down from that cloud, which have engulf me so long.

My memory, anything but frail, is a reminder of the faith I still have.It shakes me to senses.
My thoughts, no longer shadows.
My heart, my words, no longer a burden.

If possible, grant me more time

2009-04-14T22:32:00.004+08:00

I wish I have more time.

I really do.

It feels like my hours are shortened every day of my life. Except weekends. Phew. What a relief.
But still, I can do more with extra hours.

Thank God for friends and loved ones who understand my hectic schedule. I know I cannot always be there for them but I can promise to try.

I am learning a lot from my past mistakes by starting to see the bits of pieces falling into place.

Lord grant me wisdom and patience for the things I cannot change. This too is my wish for everyone else.

Slowly, gradually, I want to be proud of myself for emerging stronger than ever.
We are all able people. We can make it, eventually.
Let's keep our hopes and spirits high.

Accepting life and myself

2009-04-14T07:42:00.004+08:00

Before bed yesterday I stayed up awhile to do some arrangements of the thoughts. It was a cold night accentuated with slight rain, making it easier for me to relax after a long tiring day. Ironically I did not do much but still, maybe due to my age I started to feel its effects.

However so, I am back on my feet again this morning, being it a new day.

Thus, I am hopeful to start my day with the right kind of mindset.

First comes first, I must accept life with grace. It is a kinder way to acknowledge our limitations.

Secondly, I may not be the best, but I must not punish myself for that.

Third of all, my insights must be from above. This kind of wisdom is heaven-bound and worth learning.

In life, I may have hurt people and people may hurt me, but I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. I will not justify my actions because only God has the power to do so, but I stay true to my feelings. I do not deny them. If they are wrong, I will learn from them.

They say life is too short to be overlooked. Therefore, I feel it is time for me to have a more credible sense of perspective in life. I do not want to follow the crowd, nor do I want to lead.
If happiness has a price to pay, what more to say about love? This is the way of the world.
How reassuring it is that God is the total opposite.

I want to start anew again. Build my life up from scratch.Change. Too long have I lingered in the shadows of my insecurities. Now is the time.It can never be more right. There can be a no better tomorrow if we don't take siege of the todays of our lives.

Behold strength is defined in a new meaning. Sometimes being weak does not necessarily means you are discouraged and defeated. It will be the main drive for you and me to focus on the essentials.

The only way to be free is to be who you really are, within. Don't be afraid. Let us take comfort that this world is temporary but His kingdom will have no end.
Amen.

Relaxing Easter

2009-04-12T15:41:00.004+08:00

Woke up with a fresh new feeling. It's God's day today and ours. Happy Easter! Today draws a significant meaning to our renewed faith. May we breathe in the air with much gratitude and a much deeper sense of belonging.

As Max Lucado puts it,

" Adopted but not transported.
New family, but not a new house.
We know our Father's name,
but we haven't seen His face.
He has claimed us,
but has yet to come for us."

Went to Starbucks Jalan Song with one of my closest friend today. She made time for me this afternoon so was touched lol. We enjoyed our sip of frappucino on her part, while I took chocolate since I am allergic to coffee. Yeah I know, what a shame right? I mean,come on, I am allergic to only coffee. Damn! Sophia, if you are reading this post, I know you love coffee to bits. You should come to this place! lol

Anyway the environment there was cosy. I like the design and the feel of the building itself. Even the decor suits my taste. Me likey. Seriously. Won't want to reveal more because I think it's up to the patrons of the place to decide for themselves when they make a visit. :D

I think I could spend hours chattering away here, except that my time is limited.
:)
Will be here again next week with my youngest sis.Am sure she'll dig this place too.

My rating for this place? 4/5. haha.

Be right back. :D

2009-03-31T22:15:00.004+08:00

(Clears throat with some discomfort).lol. Am down with the annoyingly dreaded sorethroat. Looks like I am sleeping early tonight. The body feels a bit heaty and I think it's a sign that I have not achieved ample sleep. Maybe it's time to heed the warning.

I will be back with a vengeance soon lol after I recover. Until then :) adios.

Affairs of the Soul

2009-03-30T01:34:00.004+08:00

I rarely heed the calling to sleep. Especially not when thoughts are still actively at work. Maybe because it has become a norm to write first before retiring for the day. Actually, more of a necessity.

Hence,today I am writing a letter to myself and to everyone else as a reminder of a love that we sometimes fail to see.

"Remember that you are valiant and true. Remember when no one else loves you, God will.
He believes in you and knows what you are capable of.
He knows every single thing about you.
Remember when importance holds so much esteem in the eyes of the world,
your humble state makes you His precious one,
He walks with you in your joys and darkness,
embraces you and declares you not as a burden but a blessing.
He has sent you a star to guide you through, this peril is never meant to last.
God be with you, be brave child.
Be you.
Love is the greatest power He has bestowed upon you.
Where there is love, let there be forgiveness.
God is the treasure in our poverty-stricken life.

Beauty may leave us,
Wealth may disappear,
but a man, yet not a man,
had loved us so much,
that he became one of us,
sealing the ultimate sacrifice of redemption."

To Jesus Christ, because you choose the nails.

"I will bear your dark side," He promises.
And the path to the cross tells us exactly how far God will go to call us back.

God loves that face in the mirror.

En cette foi je veux vivre et mourir
In this faith I wish to live and to die. -Francois Villon

OMgoodness.lol

2009-03-26T08:28:00.003+08:00

After such a long long drought of the mind, I am slowly returning to the writing scene, as in blogging lol. Anyway, I had difficulties in accessing this blogger.com too so thus fueled my procrastination as well. That aside, I am back. Many things have happened and many will stay in the memory as lessons of the past.

As Peter Ustinov puts it, "The point of living, and of being an optimist, is to be foolish enough to believe that the best is yet to come." and with that comes Albert Einstein's quote,"It's a miracle that curiosity survives formal education."

Last week, I have left the city awhile for a day, to seek some form of peace in a vast building surrounded by books. I had no idea how on earth my visit there could actually tone down my insecurities. Surprisingly it did, crazy as it seemed. Yet, it is terrible somehow to note that I have to escape in order to be free? Why me? Every sense of competitiveness dies every day. I am at the full stops of my crossroads. I do not want helplessness to consume me. The coldness of the environment heightened my refusal to return to routine. But time will eventually runs its course again, and I want the will to rise again, care not for the disappointments and failures soon to deter me. I submerge myself in writings because I am able. I am quiet to be in communion with what I lack.

Alone but not broken. Forgotten but not discouraged. Ordinary but special to few. The cost of happiness is priceless.

Hi..

2009-02-10T22:31:00.004+08:00

It's 2009. Wow. And this is my first post of the new year. Great timing.
Owe this deeply to my acute sense of proscrastination.(yea, what bliss it is to do nothing at all whoaa, heavenly)

But I'm back... Just not that frequent and you can kindly equate me to a chipsmore.

Okay,gather round. Checklists, hmm, let's do a run through, shall we?

1. Money management ( I am a terrible accountant, mark my words)
2. Career reinforcement!(Oh man, backup please)
3. Fashion revamp! (Erm..here's where I am clueless but will try)
4. Character building!(I've been on that since forever)
5. Family oriented.. as in current and future ones!( I better, I'm supposed to be more matured, gawks.)

This is a short post because I am so uncharacteristically sleepy. lol there goes my no. 4. Well, lookout for my next post..real..soon? (doesn't sound convincing.) Anyway, tune in for more. Nights and sweet dreams.

This 2009 I want to be brighter, bolder (lol) and taffyer. Guess where I adapt that from:)

The Glory of Christmas

2008-12-20T21:19:00.003+08:00

God's greatest gift.
Comes in the form of flesh and blood.
Only a baby, but a King in humble disguise.

Emmanuel.
For He is with us.
This message rings clear.
There is one word that signifies his coming-ordinary. So doesn't that tell a lot?

"Rather than dismiss our sins, he assumes our sins."-Max Lucado.

This is what I call unconditional grace.
Freedom and pardon for the unworthy.
A celebration.
A glorification.
A sacred delight.

So come closer.
Search for the star.
Listen to the breeze in the silence of the early morning.
And breathe...............

We have the assurance of God's love, always.
And in Christmas, we find an unfailing love.

Alone Time

2008-12-16T23:29:00.002+08:00

I welcome solidarity. It is not an enemy.

Instead, I choose to indulge in it, the peace and quiet it offers. Edginess has no place here.

I am my own master, this moment. I have to admit. I am a dissatisfied person. I tend to compare myself with those around me, particularly the rich. I wanted, dreamt of their cosy, luxurious life. I desired money for power and pleasure.

I told God, I could contribute more if I were suddenly bestowed wealth. I really meant it. Come to think of it, perhaps God is not granting such a request, due to my finance management. I need not explain further. Thus I am who I am today. Unless I prove myself worthy, I must never be ungrateful with the comfortable life I have now.

I have shared dreams with my Creator. I told him of my longing for a 4WD, lol. I feel somehow mighty driving my father's Pajero. The ability to handle the big and sturdy vehicle. Yet I honestly do not think I can keep up with the maintenance expenses, not with my current salary. I try not to voice out my intention to drive my father's pride and joy. I am sort of prohibited. It was like a forbidden fruit to me. Thus, I better keep my distance. Give it another 15 years or so, for my cup of tea.

Then, I also need to consider a roof over my head. A simple house would do. With a nice compound, easy to look after. I rather have one nearer to the city in a safe neighbourhood. I contemplate on an apartment but resell value seems not to my favour. In any case, I am opting for a single storey terraced unit, inclusive of a ferocious man's best friend to keep me company. Renovations will be reviewed only when there is excess budget.

All of these are possible only if I have the financial means. To achieve it, I need to work extremely hard over the years. In that process, I also strive to prioritize God. For He is my counsellor. My planner.

In Him, even the impossible is possible.

Feelings

2008-12-16T22:55:00.002+08:00

When I feel feelings, I have opportunity to learn something new about myself.

I think I am stronger than I believe I really am. I may be broken but I am convinced I am not beaten.

Why?
Because today I am with Him.
He drives with me.
He listens to my music.
He sees what I see.
Most of all, He is changing me.
From the inside.
From the outside.

Somehow, I am different.Words cannot express it. Especially when I am infused with the right kind of emotion. Music.I guess a part of it wakes the senses. Rescues me from my emptiness. Refuses to listen to my excuses.

I take this fall.
But I also stand against it.
I can hear Him now.

True, I go about the same routine. I am still Taffy. Only my spirits shed its shadow.He told me to breathe easy. Slowly. Then feel it all within. Soar with it. Hold on to it. Grow with it. Completely. Love it with a fire that cannot be put out. I would have never felt the magical part of healing if I was never induced to seek the cure. It is easy to fall prey to temptation. However, choices will discern the ultimate fate. Perspective. Change it. Only if you want to BELIEVE it.

Lost but now I am found. Poor but I know I am blessed. Resistant to shock. Flexible to learn. Able to comprehend. The task now is practising humility. It helps me to focus on the things I do not put as priority initially. It is not too late to start afresh.

Our God is a God of Open Arms. His is a Healing Touch.

Tonight, before I write this, I dimmed the lights,reflected a bit, gathered thoughts and motivated myself for a new tomorrow. You see, too long have I punished myself for being me. This time, I won't. I'm going to persevere and celebrate being uniquely me. And this time too, I am doing it with a contented smile.

'Let Him live long enough in a heart, and that heart will begin to change. Potraits of hurt will be replaced with landscapes of grace'-Max Lucado.

Celebrating my ability to feel is a way to be fully free.

My listening heart

2008-12-15T22:16:00.004+08:00

My writings these days are inspired by the works of Max Lucado and my raging emotions.

How long has it been since I last let God have me; my time, my devotion? How unfortunate it is that I have allowed the world to drown me, till His Voice I hear no longer. The darkness is consuming, busy schedules overwhelming. Did I somehow forget how to pray? Finally, heartaches almost destroy me.
My feeble spirit and heart!

For the past week, my nights were spent with the bible in my arms. I could close my eyes in its comfort, dozing off in the occasional downpours of the early dawn. Why was sleep so excruciatingly scarce? It was a tale of truth and dare that lead to some misery. The response was one I half expected, yet not inclined to believe.

Sometimes, we have the fullest of faith in friends. We will sit down and talk, no matter how awkward the situation turns out to be.

But no. I was left clueless. For what? Was I that insignificant? Those who love me will never leave me hanging. Or weary with assumptions.

In the end, I stopped wondering. Hope too followed suit. It left me shattered partially.

People think they know me. But they don't, really. Define closeness and I will be denied.
Only few dared look deeper. The few that actually knew me and saw through me with compassion. I would have sunk deeper without their immovable trust in my character.

Without such test, I would not have drawn closer to Him. Listening to Him now is a tool of emotional expression.

"He used to be so caring, God."
(Things change, People change, I'm sorry.)

"He knew me so well, okay, almost."
(Sometimes you think you love the person who know you most, but you are mistaken.)

"But he says yes."
(Only when you initiate the invitation.How can you always be the one who initiate? That's not love, is it? And where is he now? No news, right?)

So I sat up on the bed these nights, thinking.
Was it not obvious?
Then who was I kidding?

So I turned off my phone.
Logged out of yahoo mail.
Fished out "God Came Near" and began to read.

And suddenly it did not seem so difficult anymore.

I only need to listen.
I need not be a wreck over someone who will never love me back.
Instead, I'll focus on the great people who love me.

Those who never give excuses.
Those who are not afraid of confrontation.

"He would have gone all out to tell you, but he didn't. Thus you know, I know, very well, he is not the one for you."

This concludes the drama, mine.

When I wake up tomorrow, I wish for the sunrise to clear the air.

As for those who walk along the same path of rejection, do not be so down hearted.
In time, we'll see greener pastures and clearer streams.

On the other hand, do not get me wrong.

I do not hate the person who reject me.
He has made his choice and has every right to do so.
I respect him for not leading me on.
For I also believe in a mutual love.
I don't need anyone's pity.
I'm just not the one for him.
And likewise.

It's not about me, it's about You.

2008-12-15T14:50:00.003+08:00

It's not about me.
It's about Someone who matters more than me.
And He comes as suddenly as a whisper,maybe even a sigh.
We always thought to an extend what life offers can make us happy.

It's not true.

Letting go is hard to do now, but I must in order to heal again.
I believe in chances, the more in true love in its great clarity of thoughts.
I have the answer, in his silence. It has been 4 days.

I am not discouraged.
Perhaps God knew he was not the one.
God said, "You have an uncommon call to an uncommon life. Do not weep, for I will bring you peace."

So I ought to manage my gifts well and unfurl His goodness. Herald Him. After all, His coming is soon and preparations of Christmas are at hand.

One of my favourite Christian book authors, Max Lucado, says,
"You will find the cure for common life; your sweet spot. You have one, you know. Your life has a plot; your years have a theme. You can do something in a manner no one else can.
When your contributions enrich God's reputation, your days grow suddenly sweet."

Forget the heartache and the rejection.
You know someone who will never say no.

Damai day trip getaway

2008-12-14T16:38:00.012+08:00

Yes!
I finally did run away with a close friend of mine, from the city for a bit... lol, more of an escapade to the upperside Kuching towards oceanous region:)

So here's the beginning of a journey as I made my way to....(guess the road if you're smart, heh) We proceeded anyway because it was rare that I could go out for long hours on a Sunday, given that I had attended mass yesterday to make way for today.

We both wanted some peace of mind, I wanted to throw my anxieties to the seas on the other hand, so buckled with some keropok and water bottles, we embarked on a 40 minutes journey to the serene beach of Damai. Perhaps we long for some 'damai'ness. Thus, with our heart set and hope for good weather, we were off, no turning back. The weather was a bit gloomy but thank goodness the rain was not that heavy when we reached. Damai beach was fully packed with family gatherings and company gatherings as well. Sarawak Energy and Bahagia Dagang were having their family day there. We were like 'oh there goes our tranquilness'. Anyway, we made our way to the beach and sat at a vacant hut overlooking the seas. The flag indicator was red and we experienced a slight pour. However, we rested quite comfortably, sharing thoughts and silence as well.

Let's just say we found a place to forget awhile the reality of our life, the worries all fade for a moment. Enough to calm our senses and elevate our determination.
We felt suddenly at home, the sound of waves in our ears.
What we could not find, we could have it here.
I also took the opportunity to take some snapshots, being a sucker for sceneries and (please don't mention it), the seas as well.Hence the two pictures above taken from the hut.

We had our lunch at Palm Beach Seafood Restaurant around 1pm, ordering a plate of tomato sauce kueh tiaw and a plate of oyster omelette accompanied by two teh c peng special ('kurang manis') haha. We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. Rating of food 4 stars:) Price.....
A plate of Tomato Sauce Kueh Tiaw for two (RM12)
A plate of Oyster Omelette S-size (RM12) but enough for two.
A glass of Teh C Peng Special (RM 2)

(Managed to take picture of this jettyside and the view overlooking the mountains from Palm Beach Seafod Restaurant)

(Okay this is the last view of the Palm Beach Seafood Restaurant exit side before we journeyed home with full stomach.)

I absolutely am grateful to God for today. I thank God for being stronger now. I brought my broken heart along to be soothed and am glad to have made it this far. As for my friend, she was also enlightened. We prayed for the best and decided to let God take care of our tomorrows.

I love Novembers and Decembers. This is when I can really go for journeys of a lifetime.
From January to October, I could hardly breathe.Nor can you see me taking liberties to plan outings.Thus, holidays are meant for a reason:)

Runaway, runaway like a prodigal...

2008-12-12T22:13:00.004+08:00

I get goosebumps just listening to this....
Exactly what I felt eversince Thursday, seeping in slowly..
It's all right to handle things if our emotions are intact, so here I go walking
down the same path again.
This time I am not alone.
I have Him and that is all I shall ever need.

On a separate note, my colleague from KL gave birth to a healthy baby girl of 3.53kg by C-section.
She and her husband, who is also my colleague are overjoyed.Actually more that overjoyed. Delirious I say. I feel so happy for them. May God bless them abundantly.

All right, back to the song.............

We say good-bye
I turn my back
Run away, run away
So predictable
Not far from here
You see me crack
Like a bone, like a bone
I'm so breakable

And I take everything from you
But you'll take anything
Won't you?

Run away, run away
Like a prodigal
Don't you wait for me
Don't you wait for me
So ashamed, so ashamed
But I need you so
And you wait for me
And you wait for me

I'm on the road
To who knows where?
Look ahead, not behind
I keep saying
There's no place to go
Where you're not there
On your rope, I hold tight
But it's freeing

And I take everything from you
But you'll take anything
Won't you?

Run away, run away
Like a prodigal
Don't you wait for me
Don't you wait for me
So ashamed, so ashamed
But I need you so
And you wait for me
And you wait for me

Everybody wants to be right
But only if it's not day light?
I keep trying to find my way back
My way back

Run away, run away
Like a prodigal
Don't you wait for me
Don't you wait for me
So ashamed, so ashamed
But I need you so
And you wait for me
And you wait for me

Runaway
Runaway
Runaway
From you
From you
From you

-Prodigal- One Republic

Many times I feel like a prodigal. I did not heed His advice. I go against what He wants me to do.
And in the end I suffer the consequences. Yet, although how bad things seem to be, lessons are learnt and we too change for the better.
So much that we look at things in many different perspectives.
Open to arguments,
but slow to judgements.
The kind of respect we want is the kind of respect we give.
So when I run, it does not mean I am afraid.
There can be only be one reason...
That is to feel safe.

Moving forward with hope

2008-12-12T07:06:00.002+08:00

Well, looks like this is it.
I'll be okay soon, just need to pull myself together.
In no time, I'm back on my feet again and I'm glad I've not succumbed to the
misery of the circumstances.

Life will be the same,
but at least I feel more at ease,
when all doubts is banished.
I must not look at the 'what ifs'
rather 'what now?'

So turn to God today,
even in the hardest of all tasks,
or daunting days,
in the end He's the one who'll hold your hand,
and embrace you into His arms.

Running

2008-12-10T20:51:00.005+08:00

Today after work, I feel like running..............

And running to a place I feel safe….

From the rest of the world….

With my music,

I’m taking everything else,

To keep my head up high.

I know in my brokenness,

I can still see hope,

From a distance.

A ray of light,

A comfort for darker days,

A beacon to support my wavered heart.

So what if I missed the train?

In a rush, I think I won’t see things this clear.

I am not going to stop running,

Not at this point,

Even when I’ve got nothing.

What do I do?

2008-12-10T08:16:00.003+08:00

I am trying to reach out to you,
but you keep pushing me away,
It's not that I don't try,
I just don't know how to.

I'm going to let this feeling end.
Right now, right then.
Breakaway if I can,
from the image of you I wanted you to be..

It's not fair,
if I have to explain,
When there is nothing to begin with,
You and your stand.

After so long,years swiftly pass us by,
when I am going to understand,
you shut it all out,
leaving me in the rain.

I don't mind the pain now,
If you don't know, I have nothing to fear,
I can still be a friend....
and that's all I am.
Making sense of it all,
it's time I....
Grow close, grow wise.

Talking, knowing, understanding but hurting in the end

2008-12-10T07:42:00.004+08:00

I am awake but it still feels like dreaming.
I could not forget the conversations, as much as I tried too.
Monday was long way past but..........
words they stayed on like a nail hammered into the head.
Sometimes I prayed for no emotion.
Goodness, if only I was that heartless.

I do not know my true feelings at all
so I end up not saying it,
ignoring it....
I can't take it if the final word is rejection.
Because I still long for friendship,
when the truth is unveiled.

And what truth is that when I have to hide and put on a brave front, like I always do,
for 8 years......
I still hate goodbyes.
I won't say it,
so I'll be content with what I have today,
the only way God feels is best for me.

Blogging a remedy

2008-12-09T22:44:00.002+08:00

There are emotional turbulences this week. And the week before. Barely slept but I am still breathing. Live through life answerable to God alone. He plans my pathways but it gets harder as I trod deeper. Maybe disasters are meant for the sole purpose of strengthening the weak being.

Decisions.
Heartaches.
The words will only get us choking.
What can we say when thrown into a mess of judgements.
The breakdown of emotions.
Hearts, they don't break even.

If we don't open our eyes,
We'll be putting up pretenses,
No, we're worth much more than that,
A tragedy it seems,
an immaculate dream.

I was jolted mid-way from my daydreams with this song in my head. Thus, I will try to record it and see if I can get a decent sound out of it. Simple lyrics but with alternative tunes.. here goes one I call my own.

I believe this is the chorus.

So we crash,
so we burn,
We're so human,
So we cry(so we cry) So we lie (so we lie),
No one listens.
Only You,
Only You,
are the remedy,
Oh come....Oh come.. Set us free...(2x)

Honesty and silence

2008-12-07T14:58:00.002+08:00

Yeah, I know you're frustrated man.
Life's not working out like you planned and you're struggling just to hold on.
Call on The Lord.
Forget what you heard; He loves you.

God is good
Even here in Hollywood
Where demon legions run
Gunning for one soul to flood
With evil intent
Sending fever drips
Of freezing pitch
To fears mixed in our cerebral

Libidoal clicks
Right there
Safe in the middle
That's where we like to
Stay
Might pay the price with our life

But it's OK
As long as no one talks behind your back
Uh, huh
And then you find out what human relationship lacks
I know

I've been there before
Asking myself why
People I trusted turned on me
Made me cry
Sitting there silent, questioning what I'm gonna do
Like a live interview of who I'm gonna follow

Tomorrow
Only One can really give you what you need
Your maker
Knows every single hair on your head
The creator
Made every one of us

And here's the fun part
He loves all
Sons
Daughters
So much
With one heart
That he sent His only Son to suffer and die for us on a Cross
Nails tossed through his wrists
Stripped of all honor
Jesus Christ

I know the name causes discomfort
To this puppet generation
Stubborn
Huffing and puffing
Of all the crimes committed through time in His name

But that's us
Has nothing to do with the love that Christ gave
Just our lust
When you call His name
And ask him to come
Into your life
His Holy Spirit literally changes you to a new core right

We were born into this world of spite
Greed
And plythe
Original sin
Yet all things made new through Christ
All you've got to do is pray to Him

Lord Jesus
I can't do this myself
I need you to free me in this
Not sure what to do but I've got this bible
I'll pray for wisdom 'fore I read it
Hoping for revival
And they said you want relationship
so that's what I'll give ya'
All my problems and my joys
I pray to you with eve-ry-thing.

This is a nice 'rap' remix into Keyshia Cole's Heaven Sent. Worth listening.
Powerful simple lyrics.
Somehow right now all I seek is silence.

The first move

2008-12-06T11:32:00.004+08:00

I feel tired.
I feel blank.
I feel a certain sort of lingo.

Like there is no road in front of me.

Why?

It's like a maze.
It's like a question.
It's like a thing call tomorrow.

I ask God always.
You can help me change.
And guess what He said.
You need to make the first move first.

And He was right.

Kenangan semalam-My university days project lol. The first few pages(Part 1)

2008-12-05T14:44:00.002+08:00

Back in the UNIMAS days, I could not tolerate my study books. I distracted myself with other fancies. One of them include writing for a DBP contest which I never won.No matter, with a lot of talented writers around, one needs more opportunities to make it big. Anyway, in an attempt to showcase the writings of an amateur, I give you the first few pages of 8 years ago. lol, this should be antique.

Surat itu digenggam seerat-eratnya. Riak wajahnya sukar dibaca. Aku cuma membatu, membiarkan masa berlalu. Bunyi jam dinding sahaja yang memecahkan kesepian di ruang tamu itu. Senja kian menjelma. Namun, aku tidak mungkin berganjak selagi tidak menerima sebarang keputusan yang muktamad daripadanya.

"Tak mungkin!" tiba-tiba dirinya bersuara, langsung tidak menoleh ke arahku, membelakangi dirinya ke arah jendela. Aku cuba mengawal kemarahan yang meluap luap di jiwa. Hanya warkah itulah yang mampu meleraikan kebencian dan kesedihan yang selama ini bertakhta di jiwa. Penyesalan menyelubungi diriku lantaran jejakan kakiku di mahligai impian insan yang pernah kugelar sahabat.

"Kau ni, syaitan bertopengkan manusia! Sampai hati kaulupakan segala-galanya," sergahku kepadanya, membuka pekung di dada."Tidak berhati perut langsung!"

"Hei, siapa kamu?Siapa ni, bang?" muncul seorang wanita, meluru ke arah kami. Kami saling berpandangan. Aku tersentak. Kejelitaan si isteri tidak mampu menyembunyikan kejahilan seorang suami. Sepantas kilat, aku mengambil tas tanganku, ingin meminta diri.

"Nanti dulu," suaranya menghentikan langkahku.

"Tak payah. Aku sudah sedia maklum akan jawapanmu. Goodbye." Tidak kupedulikan lagi apa yang bakal terjadi, jesturu beredar dari perkarangan rumah, berat hati. Air mataku menitis tanpa kusedari. Biarlah. Air mataku tidak seberapa, terlerai mengenangkan dua insan yang sepatutnya gembira; namun, penderitaan sahajalah yang bertandang.

Alexis, kaulah yang memutuskan segala ikatan antara kita.

Fikiranku menerawang jauh, seiring dengan suara lunak 'Destiny's Child 'Emotion' yang berkumandang dalam kereta.

Bak kata orang, alam menara gading penuh dengan pancaroba, satu peluang keemasan untuk menimba ilmu pengetahuan dan pengalaman. Universiti Malaysia Sarawak... universiti yang menerimaky dengan tangan terbuka dan menjadikanku insan yang berguna. Sememangnya masih jelas dalam ingatan hari pendaftaran pertama.... hai begitu lama rasanya.

Selesainya majlis aluan pelajar baru, aku memaksa diriku memunggah beg galasku yang tidak mampu kusandang di bahu. Beg galasku yang biru lusuh ditelan zaman itu dapat memuatkan hampir separuh daripada benda benda yang kuangkut dari rumah, walaupun berkapasiti kecil. Kelesuan hampir mencengkam seluruh badanku namun kugagahkan semangatku. Semangat berkobar-kobar perlu untuk mengharungi liku liku yang bakal menguji kesabaran.

Mataku meliar memandang sekeliling. Seorang pun tidak kukenal. Biasalah tu, kalau di tempat baru, biarpun di negeri sendiri. Terasa rindu pula terhadap keluarga dan rumah yang kutinggalkan demi menimba ilmu dunia. Aku tetap bersyukur kerana berpeluang balik setiap hujung minggu.

Aku berhenti di hadapan tanda Blok A dan meneliti senarai nama yang terpampang di papan notis. Aku menelan air liur. Tingkat teratas? Amboi, kuruslah aku kalau hari-hari memanjat tangga. Aku bergegas ke tingkat teratas, terus merempuh bilik tanpa mengetuk. Terlupa pula penghuni yang seorang lagi. Aku cuma tersengih memandangnya tengah khusyuk belajar.

"Hai, nama kamek Adeline. Kitak? Maaf, ingatkan sik ada orang tadi tek," aku memperkenalkan diri dalam bahasa tempatan, sambil menghulurkan tanganku. Teman sebilikku tersenyum dan menyambut tanganku, kuat. Begitulah mulanya detik persahabatan sejatiku dengan seorang yang telah mengubah kehidupanku.
_________________________________________________________________

"Alamak, habislah kali ini,"aku menggerutu dan terus melabuhkan diri di atas katilku. Geram bercampur-adukkan sedih mengkalutkan lagi fikiranku yang sesungguhnya tidak tenang. Pandanganku beralih ke siling.

"Eh apa hal ni?" tiba tiba teman bilikku bersuara. Sudah hampir satu semester sudah berlalu, dan teman sebilikku yang lebih gemar berbahasa melayu semenanjung denganku itu mengalih perhatiannya dari buku "Management" yang dibacanya sejak semalam ke arahku.

"Tak de lah apa apa. La, aku tak nak la balik rumah jumaat ni," aku membuat keputusan.

"Hei kenapa ngan kau ni, gila ke?" bentak Sarah.

"Aku dah malu sangat ni. Nak taruh muka kat mana agaknya?" aku tersengih walaupun pada hakikatnya diri ini ingin menangis. Sarah mengerutkan dahinya, tidak faham.

"Ni ha. Cuba kau tengok,"terangku lalu menyerahkan slip keputusan ujian 1 yang baru kuterima. Sarah menepuk-nepuk bahuku.
"Aku dah cuba. Study memang aku study tapi....."
"Memanglah kau study. Tapi.." sampuk Sarah. "Tak cukup. Dahla last minute lagi."
Sarah yang selalu mengecapi Anugerah Dekan setiap semester. Aku mengeluh.
"Tu lah pasal. Hai, pembahagian masaku teruk kan?" tanyaku. Sebak rasanya menghampakan diri sendiri. Sarah menggeleng-geleng.

"Kau tu, study hard, bukannya study smart," jelasnya lagi. Janganlah bersedih. Cuba lagi, jangan putus asa," Sarah cuba memberi semangat. Aku diam. Kalaulah aku berupaya mengharungi cabaran ini.

"Cam nilah. Kita sama sama buat perbincangan di perpustakaan. Rajin rajinla pergi yer.. Kalau memerukkan diri dalam hostel pun bukannya study, tidur membongkang," usik Sarah, namun dengan niat yang baik. Aku tersenyum. Padan mukaku.

"Itulah kau. Insaflah. Kau pasti berjaya nanti. Percayalah," Sarah memujukku. "Habis kau balik tak ke rumah hari Jumaat?"

Aku mengambil masa yang lama sebelum mengganguk. Keberanian ini hanyalah sementara. 3 tahun lagi untuk menamatkan pengajian. Oh Tuhan, tabahkanlah hati insan-Mu ini yang lemah.

Thursday's terror

2008-11-30T08:54:00.004+08:00

Three days of terror The timeline of the carnage in Mumbai, which killed at least 195 people.

I am overwhelmed by terror of the massacre of Mumbai. Hundred plus people have died, bloodshed everywhere. I knew it beforehand from the internet and it has rendered me into silence. I will not attempt to insert pictures either.

Innocent lives in a split second, banished from the face of the earth. I put myself in their shoes,
their circumstances that day.

I began to question God. Why does He not see?
Where is He?

Pain.
Anguish.
The world is never free from these.

This is not the end. Let us pray that we are prepared for the battle.
Nothing is predictable.

What a week

2008-11-30T08:45:00.004+08:00

Let's just say I am coping with life at the moment, hence less blog these days.

The truest warrior in life can be full of flaw. It makes them human. I hope I belong to that category.

To forget what bothers me somewhat, I give you two pictures of someone I used to like.lol.

Okay, I know it's kind of silly but I like his pose.
I wish I have that confidence.
They always look like they have everything going on for them, these beautiful people.
All the 5Cs.

But are they really happy?
Only God knows.
I envy them but I don't think it's fair when I know very little of their world.

The Man who can't be moved

2008-11-26T02:16:00.004+08:00

This is a beautiful song by The Script. The lyrics, simple as they are appeal to my soul. I am a sucker for love songs. so lol here goes.

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move,
Got some words on cardboard got your picture in my hand,
Saying if you see this girl can you tell her where I am,
Some try to hand me money they don't understand,
I'm not...broke I'm just a broken hearted man,
I know it makes no sense, but what else can I do,
How can I move on when I'm still in love with you...

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

Policeman says son you can't stay here,
I said there's someone I'm waiting for if it's a day, a month, a year,
Gotta stand my ground even if it rains or snows,
If she changes her mind this is the first place she will go.

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

People talk about the guy
Who's waiting on a girl...
Oohoohwoo
There are no holes in his shoes
But a big hole in his world...
Hmmmm

and maybe I'll get famous as man who can't be moved,
And maybe you won't mean to but you'll see me on the news,
And you'll come running to the corner...
Cos you'll know it's just for you

I'm the man who can't be moved
I'm the man who can't be moved...

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.
[Repeat in background]

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag not I'm not gonna move.

I hope I'll wake up one day and know someone out there is missing me too.

Evidence that I am still up and not sleeping.

I'm not sleeping.
I'm not sleeping.

See them serenade this song

Please be a better person.

2008-11-26T00:27:00.003+08:00

Tension is common. Storms come one week after another. They say blood runs thicker than water. Are we sure? Can we stand up for this statement?

I look at my journal in shame. Should revelation be necessary?
A question of honour?
Pride?

Pouring down details would bring more trouble. I shut the journal instead. I decide to bury it at the back of my mind. But no, it will not be easy to forget. I will not think of changing the world, if I cannot make a difference around the people whom I love or mingle around with.

Naive.
Selfish.
Temperamental.
Unreasonable.

Guess before we point fingers, we ought to take a good look at ourselves.
Why are we given such tests, O Lord? Is it not enough the pains of the past?
Can You not help me in this quest of turning a totally rebelious being into the total opposite of darkness? Or at least more understanding in conscience.

It has been 27 years but there is no turning over a new leaf. If it is too late, I think all efforts are deemed in vain.

My hopes now revolve around changes. Major ones for the greater good. The hurricane spreads quickly than we think it would. Sometimes fire and fire just worsens situations. Perhaps it is better to just leave the storm alone. The only solution is to stop the rage.

Carrie No. 3 in the making. Unpublished to protect identity. If people knew, oh how will they mock us! In times like this, I will walk with Jesus by his side as he struggles up the hill with the heaviest cross of the world. The road of Dolorosa. I have a Judas within my walls. I pray it not me. I do not have control over life. Helpless, I resign to His will.

Let recognition come in dreams.
Awareness.
Fears.

Let it stick to her conscience like a guilt glue. This I pray.

lol, obsessed with weddings..

2008-11-25T23:36:00.003+08:00

hahaha. Don't get me wrong.

Maybe being bridesmaid made me feel the longing of actually being a bride:) I know. I know. Crazy right? So to quench my curiosity I dressed up as one. I think I love the flowers the most. There is always something beautiful about weddings. Only one thing is missing in this photo. Wa eh ang kin ta lok?Pang ki? lol.Somewhere around kua. Anyway enough about my crap.

I had two lovely days as a bridesmaid on Tuesday 11/11/2008 and Monday 24/11/2008. The wedding of two of my close friends since childhood, Magdalene and Valerie.

Oh how they shone radiantly as brides. So happy and gorgeous. How blessed are the husbands who have them!

Cheers to weddings!

"Love is patient and kind."

Draw if you may

2008-11-21T21:34:00.004+08:00

There always something fascinating about drawing people.

The very detail of a person's countenance.
The lines, the shape, everything.
It's like it's alive.
Communicating to you in shades, in strokes.
You don't even want to put anything down until you get it right.

I am not a good sketcher but I feel satisfied after attempting to draw people whom I love or admire. Not imperfect but at least I can claim the work as solely mine. In its imperfection I can say I have done it. I cannot explain the feeling. It's rare. It's just there.

Writing is my number one passion but drawing/sketching can be defined as my second best.
An empty paper transformed when you put your head and heart into it.
Individuality in paper even if through appearances.

I have never thought of drawing Pope John Paul II at all.
But one day I did.
And what a feeling it gave me.
And the result, my very own perception of the face of Pope John Paul, drawn from a newspaper cutting.

It feels so personal,
so moving.
Strange is it not...
Perhaps a real painter would feel more than I did.

But I was overwhelmed by the simplicity of it... really. It sets you free,
for a moment,
brief but...
adequate enough.

Allergic to coffee. oh oh!

2008-11-21T21:20:00.003+08:00

My bad!
Culprit: Ipohtown White Coffee!

Drank it despite my better judgement.

Reason:? Urmmm experimenting?
Blame it on a stressful day, mmkay?

Great, now I think I am experiencing heartburn.
And partial dizziness.
It is a wonder I am standing!:P

Gosh even aspirin won't heal me.

The power of coffee. All falls down.......
lol!!!!

Prisoner of Love

2008-11-21T20:52:00.005+08:00

I am enamoured with this song. I keep repeating it like it has cast a spell on me:D Oh my goodness. Is this song some sort of strength despite its title? Let me share with you the english translation before the japanese lyrics.

With an indifferent face you tell a lie
Laughing until you feel sick
“Let’s have nothing but fun” you said
Feeling blue over desiring the impossible
Everyone is seeking tranquility
You’re struggling, but you’ve had enough
Now you’re chasing after a shadow of love
Since the day you appeared
My dull “everyday”s have begun to shine
Now I‘m able to think,
“Feeling loneliness, being in pain - that’s not so bad”

I’m just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love
Through painful times and healthy times,
Stormy days and sunny days, let’s walk on together
I’m gonna tell you the truth
I chose an unforeseeably painful path and you came to support me
You’re the only one I can call a friend

Fake displays of strength and avarice have become meaningless I
’ve been in love with you since that day
When I’m free, with time to spare,
here’s no life in being alone

I’m just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love
Oh… Just a little more
Don’t you give up
Oh don’t ever abandon me

If the cruelty of reality tries to tear us apart
We’ll be drawn more closely to one another
Somehow, somehow, I have a feeling we’ll be able to stand firm
I’m just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

Every day banalities quickly begin to shine brilliantly
You stole my heart that day
Loneliness and pain I thought I could deal with
I’m just a prisoner of love

Stay with me, stay with me
My baby, say you love me
Stay with me, stay with me Don’t leave me alone again

End

-Japanese-

I’m a prisoner of love
Prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love
I’m just a prisoner of love
A prisoner of love
heiki na kao de uso wo tsuite
waratte iyake ga sashite
raku bakari shiyou to shite ita

naimononedari BURU-SU
mina yasuragi wo motomete iru
michitariteru noni ubaiau
ai no kage wo otte iru

taikutsu na mainichi ga kyuu ni kagayakidashita
anata ga arawareta ano hi kara
kodoku demo tsurakutemo heiki da to omoeta
I’m just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

Prisoner of love
Prisoner of love
I’m a prisoner of love

yameru toki mo sukoyaka naru toki mo
arashi no hi mo hare no hi mo tomo ni ayumou

I’m gonna tell you the truth
hitoshirezu tsurai michi wo erabu
watashi wo ouen shite kureru
anata dake wo tomo to yobu

tsuyogari ya yokubari ga muimi ni narimashita
anata ni ai sareta ano hi kara
jiyuu demo yoyuu demo hitori ja munashii wa
I’m just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

Oh mou sukoshi da yo
Don’t you give up
Oh misutenai zettai ni

zankoku na genjitsu ga futari wo hikisakeba
yori issou tsuyoku hikareau
ikura demo ikura demo ganbareru ki ga shita
I’m just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

arifureta nichijou ga kyuu ni kagayakidashita
kokoro wo ubawareta ano hi kara
kodoku demo tsurakutemo heiki da to omoeta
I’m just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

I’m a prisoner of love
Prisoner of love
Prisoner of love
I’m just a prisoner of love
I’m a prisoner of love

Stay with me, stay with me
My baby, say you love me
Stay with me, stay with me
hitori ni sasenai

Perhaps the tragedy of it all makes me feel blended to the song. Hence the determination to by-heart this song and to belt it out with emotion. lol.

Some deem this song a little dramatic. To me drama adds to the appeal of the song. It echoes in the mind, making it unforgettable.

So tired

2008-11-20T08:19:00.002+08:00

I am so tired today.

I rested but I could not find peace.

I am not sure what is happening to me.

I just hope the future is brighter with happiness we all deserve.

The crosses are getting heavier, Lord. Everything is closing me in. I can' breathe or think in line with so many issues of what I have to face. Help me, guide me, or else I may stumble and fall.It's scary when we think we are alone. Banish these thoughts and let us go through life with a sense of courage, through the rough and battered road which we can't see.

He's no good for you

2008-11-16T14:23:00.005+08:00

He doesn't sms her.
She sms him.
He doesn't answer her calls.
She thinks of reasons to call him.
Pathetic?

He says meet him here or there.
Drive her own car.
He drives his.
Always.
I mean,sometimes a girl likes to be driven and not to have to drive on her own,
it makes her feel special.

Go dutch all the time.
He sometimes pay for her.
But rarely.
She pays most of the time, she foots of the bill.
Come on, he can't even pamper her once a while?
It's not like she's asking for much or all the time.

He doesn't know her birthday.
She knows his.

Girl who you kidding?
He's not into you.

If he loves you,
He knows how to treat you.
He'll thank God he has meet you.
Treasure you.
Appreciate you.
If not,
don't waste your time,
on someone,
who doesn't love you.

Leave,
you deserve someone better.
Even God loves you more.
He's got you covered.

Don't be a prisoner of love.
A love only you want
and not returned back.

Come seek Him in the eyes of the Carmelite nuns

2008-11-16T01:56:00.002+08:00

The desire of becoming a nun never once crossed my mind, least of a noisy, robust and naughty child I was, some 22 years ago. Baptized a Catholic a few days after my birth in a small town called Kanowit, my early days were a blur. Life was blissful when you were mere children with little to worry about.

However, as I grew older, I began to understand and love God more. Bible classes, Sunday Schools are a constant reminder of the faith I strongly believe in. Confirmation sealed my pledge to God. Yet, I could hardly explain the emptiness of the heart. Something was missing, and it disturbed my conscience often, this wordless pain of sleepless nights.

In my early childhood days, I recalled being taught by a lady in a white robe with veil as white as snow, which later came to be known to me as the Franciscan nun. Her ethereal peaceful look and patient disposition in no time had won me over. There was this quiet grace about her that profoundly appealed to me. Only a ponytailed little girl of 6, I wanted to be her, only to be reprimanded for my intention. Somewhat the lures of the world seemed stronger, in all excitement. For a while I forgot the simple desire of the past.

Years later, I was introduced by a friend to attend a talk on the life of a Carmelite nun, an event organized by the Carmelite nuns a few times in a year. I was intrigued. I have often wondered on their regime, especially their restrictions. I agreed to go and my first impressions therefore were very much deluded.

Although confined in their humble grounds, as their vocation states them to be, they are very much like us, individuals with vitality and vigor. Prayer is their passion and despite choosing to be cut off from the outside world, dwelling in the comforts of His sanctuary as a perpetual sacrifice, they possess more character than we would have ever imagined.

A friendship between those in the outside world, possibly future aspirants and the cordially amiable nuns were struck. The more I knew them, the more I had hoped to emulate them. Yet it did not seem so easy for me to leave everything and join them in their plights of honor. I had my commitments and red lights. Yet these Carmelite nuns, God bless their souls, encouraged me on, even in my doubts. How I long for clarity in these uncertain times. Their perseverance and optimism were traits I wish were mine.

If only circumstances were easier. I am still, continuously praying and seeking for answers. Let Him show the way if this path is my cross to bear. We plan but only God decides.

-He calls us in the depth of the nights, hear Him, answer Him and let Him bring us deliverance-

Testimony of an aspirant,
Taffy Jong

Who is he?

2008-11-15T23:10:00.003+08:00

She wishes to pick up the phone and dial to heaven. This is a line where no one puts on hold.
She is certain she won't hear,

"Hang on."
"Sorry, he's not in."
"He's busy right now."
"Wrong number."

Instead she'll hear Him as He calls out.

"What is wrong, child? I'm here if you need me. Anything?"

She lulls in shame and despair. Tears gush out in torrents. She needs not say a thing. He knows. He cares.

"I'm glad you called."

She knows she has made the right choice. She asks through her anguish, why yearn for someone or other people who loves you not? Why not be contented with only ONE person who loves you MOST?

She has met people with many excuses.
People who do not return her affections.
People who belittle her, taking her for granted.

Then she remembers the solitary carpenter from Nazareth.

She feels His veins.
She feels His heart.
Even His hands.
Holy Land seems so close.

Images. De ja vu.
The bible being a diary.
A journey.
A legacy of hope and repentance.

What if she was there during the final hours of His life on earth? Or minutes after He died so gallantly, passionately for us on the ragged old cross up that hill?

Only she did not have a name she had now. Just a passerby. Can He transport her back to then?

"The deed is done."

She sees the 3 crosses on the hill. She looks to the middle one with an aching nothing can heal. It is too late. He has breathed his last. A hand taps her shoulder. A lady in a white veil.

"He is gone."

She turns to the veiled one. "No, no, no. He will rise again, as in the scriptures."

"Hush yourself silly woman. The man is dead. King of Jews indeed," one of the guards near them ridicules her. Yet some guards only remain quiet. Perhaps they know something and believe.

"What is your name?" she asks the veiled one again.
"Mary Magdalene. And you?"

"I wish I knew," comes the forth right answer. She cannot put into words her origin. The future. Mary Magdalene puts her arm around the other lady's shoulder, kindred spirits though strangers.

"But at least we are here for the same reason."

The language is Hebrew but she has no idea how she understands. To be present is only what matters to her right now.

"Did you know He died for us?" the lady asks Mary Magdalene.

"He's the Messiah. There is no doubt about it. But the agony, the sheer pain of it all. Such love. Do we really deserve it?" Mary replies.

"I think He thinks we deserve it," the other woman professes. She states her intention to approach His cross only to be held back by the guards. 5 of them.

"Let me pass," she hoarses.

"The man is dead, I tell you. Go home. You must be one of his lunatic followers," the tallest of them speaks.

"I only want to see Him."

"Do you want to be whipped, woman?"

"Shame on you for not letting a woman visit her beloved. The only one who loves her. You, all of you knew He was innocent. Yet He had to die."

"Save your words, woman. He cannot even save himself."

She can only stare at his battered body, a sight enough to make her weak to the knees. Mary Magdalene catches up with her.

"You are very determined," she says.

"I have to. This is God in the flesh. You do believe me, don't you Mary?"Her look itself gives an answer. They march on only to turn back as they are jeered by the guards, attempting to poke them with spears.

Jolted, she returns to present times. She by the table, the phone at her hand. Was it all an illusion?

"Are you still there?" she whispers to the other end.

"Always," the familiar voice echoes.

She mouths a gracious thank you with eyes glistening tears. She has to put down the phone eventually but the fact that no lines will ever be disconnected again soothes her immensely.

The chronicles of the cross.
It saves her today.
The power of His undying love, the emblem of faithfullness.

"I love you."
And He is not just someone.

He is the Living God.
The Bloodied Cross of the World.
The Sufferer.
The Innocent Sacrificed Lamb. The Saviour.

2 more years and she would be 30 like him when He first ventured out, when He was absolutely certain of what He was commanded to do. Is there any mission for her? She awaits in anticipation.

So in her sufferings, she will not find these paths lonely again.

Inspirations from 'Six Hours, One Friday' by Max Lucado

2008-11-15T21:18:00.003+08:00

In her late twenties.

Trapped unconsciously with a car loan, a study loan, insurance policy, internet bills, mobile bills and other high miscellanous expenses. Little things amount to a lot. Massive actually. At the end of the day, she is worn out and surprisingly broke. Surviving but mangled with worry. To top it all, she prays everyday for peace and more love in her family. Let there not be squabbles over petty issues, and important ones too. Yet they happen.

But most of all,she implores understanding from her parents and both of her siblings, and how she wants to be treated.

She does not mention these to their faces. Perhaps to a confidante or two. Or three. The few she trusts with her life. It is weary to keep so many troubles of layered piles, destroying ounces of composure deep within.

So she puts on a mask in the form of a smile. Always without fail she emerges to drift through life giving a smooth sailing impression. Rosy on the outside, but thorny all the way in.

Did you ever stop awhile to look behind that smile? Or the image she encapsulates herself in?
Do you question her strength and credibility? Even ask the burdens she carry?

Of course she tries not to tell. She hates being ridiculed. She has her pride, her need to uplift honor. So she plays a role so opposite her true self. She projects happiness to drown the sorrows. You will never get to see her bleeding heart. Or her broken soul.

But she is not down. Not beaten to a pulp. Pulling herself together, she stands against the harsh weather. Acknowledging her weaknesses, she does what she feels possible to rectify the wounds of her mistakes. Her wrong choices.

Closing her eyes, she identifies her main folly. Career. She works but she knows she has potential to do better. There are days when work is unproductive and there is little to look forward to. Recession is about to hit Malaysia. A chance of promotion seems bleak when business is not picking up. She lives in fear of a sudden "I'm sorry we no longer need your services in this company." Her world would come crashing down like millions of shattered dreams. She cannot depend on the graciousness of her Operation Director all these while. No matter how kind her superior is, or how compassionate, business talks. Her operation director needs a credible worker. Hardworking, result-oriented. She has to be that.

Badly in need of a miracle and a saving grace, she can almost drive herself mad. Yet days come and go with her being at the crossroads over and over again. Her conscience heavily embarks on guilt and self loathe on her underachievement. Comfort is one thing she never thought she can have. She forgets that she is not alone. When everyone else turns a deaf ear, or is oblivious of her plight, she has yet to approach this man.

Not her father.
Not her uncle.
Not her friend.
Or any other.

Just this man.
Once a man who died on a Cross.
No ordinary man.

Who is he?

From the poem of "Sepi"

2008-11-08T09:17:00.002+08:00

Bisikku pada bulan,
Kembalikan temanku,
Kekasihku,
Syurgaku.

Tanpa dia,
malam menemaniku,
Sepi memelukku.

Bulan jangan biar siang,
Biar alam ini kelam,
Biar ia sepi sepertiku.

North and South

2008-11-03T23:58:00.007+08:00

I am so in love with the "North and South" BBC Soundtrack. Absolutely beautiful and captivating to the ears. For those of you who appreciate periodic dramas, this is not to be missed. An enchanting tale of two complete opposites but hearts do meet eventually.

Moving to the core.

Check out this lovely song too. Ready for Love by Miss Kelly Sweet

When love calls your name
And whispers you're the one
When all you've ever dreamed
Dances like stars around your heart

And finally I hold the chance
To give you all my love
So whats keeping me

Away from holding you
I'm ready to believe
Be strong enough
Give everything I am
And trust in love
My arms long to reach for you
The way I feel I wish you knew
I'm ready now, I'm ready to believe
Ooh, I'm ready for love

Only once, you will find
A love that is so true
And the way I think of you
You can't imagine how beautiful it feels

I must find a way to speak
This secret I hold near
Its these words

You need to hear
I'm ready to believe
Be strong enough
Give everything I am
And trust in love
My arms long to reach for you
The way I feel I wish you knew
I'm ready now, Im ready to believe
Ooh

I know with you I could stay forever
Sailing into grace
Here all things are possible
There's no time or space
When I feel you near

I'm ready to believe
Be strong enough
Give everything I am
And trust in love
My arms long to reach for you
The way I feel I wish you knew
I'm ready now, I'm ready to believe
Ooh, ooh

Little fancy lol

2008-11-03T23:40:00.008+08:00

Remember I used to love Daniel Henney to bits?Hahah..well DREAM ON.lol, I have stopped being so silly. No doubt his looks definitely make me stop on my tracks but what about his character? Hmm..actors are unreadable.

but then, well I guess people as handsome as that, erm,how do I put it nicely, are not so approachable, even if they do mean well?

I don't really know. I mean...............

How many of us actually see a very gorgeous guy with an average girl next door and ends up falling head over heels in love enough to marry her? Should I do a survey?lol.
The results may be interesting, don't you think?

Put me in a crowd of gorgeous women and this really cute guy walks into the room. I probably give him a friendly smile but he on the other hand will definitely be too preoccupied with the beauties. Can you see my point there?hahahaha. A classic!

I don't think my prince charming is that shallow:) I pray he'll be just as I'd imagined him to be, kind, pleasant, considerate and loving.

Heartstrings

2008-10-31T01:05:00.002+08:00

She walks home in the rain,
no sun to guide her way,
just stars in her eyes,
a cross in her hand…

Her heart is like glass,
her face a landscape,
but you don’t see her, do you?
this girl walking across the street,
a few miles more, can you hear her whisper?
this long journey on her own,
her feet damp and sore..

Hiding the pain,
she walks and walks again,
plasters on her soul,
“I’m walking in the rain,” she says,
“Stop me if you can,
when love has turned its back,
how can I return again?”

Cruel.
Cruel.
Cruel.
Denying the mess deep inside you.
Torn.
Torn apart.
Can I find you?
Can I love you?
Can you find me?
Can you love me?
Save her, save me please.

Walking on

2008-10-31T00:59:00.002+08:00

Sometimes you wish there are times when you can be happy often. You want to be able to feel so much and yet suffer little. But it doesn’t works that way, does it? Life is always full of undetermined phases.The ones that we cannot foretell or avoid.

I am taking a walk with my umbrella today. Walking to the small jetty by the beach where I can watch the sea in peace. Forget the world behind me, forget the things that worry me.
If only I can be contented in the things that I have now than to regret not appreciating them for a lifetime. I wish I know how to be me, honestly.

The sea is calm today.But me? I am not sure. But I think God is walking right beside me, quietly, gently.

Silent thoughts

2008-10-29T13:39:00.005+08:00

No words can say what I have felt these past few days. I just hope things will get better. I pray hard but I must not expect too much.

The time you lost, you held your cross,
No tears did your eyes tell,
The time you lost, no matter what the cost,
your strength will show you through.

But time will heal,
what your heart conceal,
and this I know too well.

The road you've known,
that takes you home,
is waiting strong and true.

For this child of mine,
She'll forever shine,
Angel rays watch over you,
Angel rays watch over you.

I am down on my knees, begging You please, come comfort me in my sorrow, help me to start a new tomorrow.

Time and tide waits for no man

2008-10-23T08:28:00.003+08:00

God is directing your steps and delighting in every detail of your life. (Psalms 37:23-24) Doesn't matter who you are. Potbellied or prized purebred? God sees no difference.

Life is at times, fast paced, and other times, slow. I am feeling the need to escape into a holiday getaway, for a relaxing time and space. The suffocation of the world gets to me quite often. I know God is there along the way but there is this urge in me to just follow my heart, even if God do not quite agree.

I feel blessed to be loved so much that He died for us on the Cross. I do not want to forget that, ever. So in my times of doubt and insecurities, I chased the questions away because they are not relevant or anywhere significant compared to His mercy.

And today, I will try to make the best of the hours and minutes. It shall never come to pass again.

After the wedding?so called lol....

2008-10-21T22:07:00.005+08:00

LOL, I need to laugh first before I post this up. I can almost see the rolling of the reader's eyes already.:D Bear with me, I beg you, hahaha.

My subconscious mind is speaking to me. In dreams, once again. I guess all that romance is getting to my head. Please do not mistake it as a call of desperation. It is merely a thought provoked by the endearing emotions of a lifetime commitment. One called marriage.

I opened my eyes to the bright sunrays from the windowpane. I had no idea of the time but my ears made out a vague sound, indicating another presence in the room. I turned around only to find him, diligently at work on his laptop. My mind panicked.

"Good morning," he greeted me.

I automatically held my left hand out and saw the ring on my fourth finger. I sought his. Identical. I gulped. My mind reeled back. This must be Sunday morning. After the wedding.

"Good morning," I greeted back not meaning to be rude. He looked so composed and relaxed it was hard not to be at ease. I walked towards the window and it dawned upon me our location at the sight of Sarawak River. Holiday Inn Suite. Everything came back into place. He interrupted my thoughts by mentioning breakfast at the pantry. I didn't know what else to do but to go to the pantry, blur. Picking up breakfast, I couldn't really recall what it was, I think it was an egg sandwich or ham, whichever, he asked if I was excited to go to Rome.

Apparently our honeymoon was to be there. I slowly went towards him and embraced him, speechless. I woke up then, remembering his gentle smile.

I sat in bed for the whole 15 minutes, kicking myself in the mind. Dreams. Always playing tricks on me!Cruel, cruel.

If he is real, I think I would be the happiest girl on earth.

Oh well.....
back to reality, opps there goes gravity. lol.

Isn't it strange though, I dreamt the continuation of a dream two days ago? Hmmmm.... too much imagination does not serve me well.

At least he was much much approachable and charming this time around.

That is it. Enough!.. whatever happened to my bible studies? (Stares at the screen in despair)
Yikes! I am sidetracked for toooooo long. God forgive me! (smiles sheepishly)

Forgiveness

2008-10-21T08:16:00.006+08:00

Make a list of God's mistakes. Pretty short eh? Now make a list of the times He has forgiven you for yours. Who on earth has such a record?The One who called you is completely dependable. If he said it, he'll do it!"
(I Thessalonians 5:24 THE MESSAGE)

Forgiveness is a power, to me, that is.

It's like a gift that you don't normally get, but once given, it means the world to you. I don't know of the people who have not forgiven me or already have done so. All I know is, we make mistakes. We disappoint. But God, bless Him, thinks we are worthy of forgiveness. Isn't it about time we think it over about forgiving one another? It may be slow and hard, but eventually it'll come to place.

Only we can make it happen. Let's start today.

Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't
-Margaret Thatcher

Margaret Thatcher is Britain's former leading lady who turned 83 this year. She is a figure of social and political renaissance.

Introducing Sofia Coppola

2008-10-20T23:44:00.005+08:00

Talking about inspiration, I want to follow the footsteps of Sofia Coppola.

She is a charming woman. A world famous female director, she is also a sophisticated traveller. I may not be contending to be a director but I certainly enjoy travelling whole heartedly.

Her world is everything I ever fantasize about. She has a graceful silence that speaks so much. She upholds self discovery as a stepping stone to the success of women. What struck me about her was this photograph of her and her beloved father in the latest core values ad campaign by Annie Leibowitz. It captures the love and admiration father and daughter have for one another. Like a spell cast and retold over and over.

If she can be a great person as Sofia, as herself,what more have we to say of ourselves?

Being Sofia.

Being Taffy.

We must not be disheartened to be trully ourselves.

Nightmare?Or almost sweet?

2008-10-19T22:56:00.005+08:00

This weekend I am absorbed with romantic movies and have been neglecting my sleep, lol. I slept at 4 am last Friday and Saturday, being glued to YouTube with eyes of a lovesick puppy.

Okay, maybe I overexaggerated but I am a sucker for romance!Nothing feels as good as a happy ending that leaves you with a certain feel of magic and fulfillment.

So, since it is a Sunday night now as I write, I don't think I have the priviledge to sleep that late any longer:D

Perhaps my recent activity has prompted a quite unexpected dream this afternoon, one where I was to wed the following Saturday in St Joseph Cathedral to the eldest son of my father's friend. Yes I know, I know, how was I to know it was a dream? My reaction was of utter bewilderment, after all the abruptness of the marriage was a bit too much for the brain to take in. Those who were well acquainted with me would be horrified that I marry someone I hardly know, let alone love.

Arranged marriage are always so... so... well unpredictable. It either end up well if love is cultivated slowly while in other cases, divorce so bitter you'd sworn off marriage.

Needless to say, the day fast forwarded to Saturday in that dream. In a massive turn of the event, I saw myself dressed as a bride being escorted by my father down the aisle meeting the familiar faces of relatives and friends, most emotions unreadable Their surprise perhaps mirrored mine. I remembered crying on the shoulders of one of my close friends the night before the wedding as she consoled me that things would turn up fine in the end. Or the 'you-go-girl' face of another close friend singing for my wedding in the choir.

And yes, I saw the countenance of my husband to be, and if it was any consolation at all he was courteous to my family and friends. Indifferent he was to me but otherwise polite. Yet, we women have our instinct. I could feel his tension despite his calm exterior. I wanted to call off the wedding there and then seeing him, as I felt it not fair for him and me to begin in such a questionable fashion. As I reached his side, with him taking my arm, I woke up then.
Phew. I didn't even get to see the celebrant of 'my wedding' lol.

Anyway, it left me a bit dazed. Was it an inner desire for me to get married that materialize the dream?Perhaps yes, or no. I don't know. I shrugged off the thought quickly. Silly, really.

I think God grew sick of me telling Him over and over again. I am not the type to marry someone who doesn't love me, or vice versa.

Suddenly I felt so alone. At least in that dream, I still have a husband.lol. However, pulling myself together I chided myself.

God guards those who turn to Him. The pounding you feel does not suggest his distance, but proves his nearness. Trust His sovereignty.

The creator and the creation

2008-10-17T22:37:00.004+08:00

Let's just say, I feel the need to drop a few words here. The devotional readings are working miracles to my head, it seems with thoughtful quotes all year round. So yeah hi all. Sounds kind of lame for an opening credit lol. Anyway....

Did you know that the smith in silversmith comes from the old English word smite? Silversmiths are accomplished smiters. So is God. Once the worker is satisfied with the form of tool, he begins to planish and pumice it. Using smaller hammers and abrasive pads, he taps, he rubs and decorates. And no one stops him. No one yanks the hammer out of his hand and say "Go easy on that silver. You've pounded enough." No, the craftsman buffets the metal until he is finished with it.

It all boils down to the creation of mankind. How you and me are created. Isn't it amazing how we exist? And the way we are today is because He creates us exactly to his measurements, his standards. The moulder. The giver of life.

So what if we aren't taller?
Or thinner?
Or prettier?
Or more intelligent?
Or more this and that? Tell me sincerely, we aren't very satisfied people are we?

God never complains at his creation. He looks at us with love and says" You are mine, always." I can count the number of people who are willing to say that to me and surprisingly the numbers aren't many. So see, who loves you the most then?

Isn't it not Him who declares the pledge of love with so much vigour and clarity? I know it is hard to grasp sometimes but He has his own way of planning things, even when bringing a new life into the world, or taking life back for that matter. Life just can't be controlled, not at least by us.

The clock ticks on. The seasons come and change. We grow old. But there is one thing that remains. His Love for us. Endless. I don't think we can afford His love, not even in our lifetime. Yet, we are given His love, free.

What else can beat that?
Possession?
Unlimited wealth?
Please, refrain from being disillusioned by temporary earthly indulgences. We are never trully happy with that. Perhaps it makes no sense to you, but someday it will. Think. Think hard on what matters the most to you now.

Must forget the world to move on

2008-10-15T23:32:00.004+08:00

This is a new month for me, believe it or not. I feel some changes heading my way. The more I try hard to maintain my composure or stay contented, there is always something in the way.

For one, there is envy. I have always fought with it with all my might. It keeps coming back though but this time I am blocking it for my own safety and peace of mind.

Two, there is comparison. I think it's not wise of me to try to win everyone's approval at the cost of risking my own happiness. So, yes, the root of my worries will always be comparisons. I won't let that rule me. Must move on. Have to stay invincible.

Can I opt to be a superwoman, God? Then I won't have to think so much about the opinions of others. I address the need to restructure my entire life. Why isn't it enough to have only You as my friend? Yet friendship can be so disappointing:(

Oh God, I am ashamed that I am not as contented to trust in You.
But because I love you and You love me too, we will pull through.
Let's do this God. Let's face all the storms and dangers the world has in store. I think I need You more than ever now God. I hope You'll stay.

Love,
your daughter.

The craftsman places an ingot of silver on an anvil and pounds it with a sledgehammer. Once the metal is flat enough for shaping, into the furnace it goes. The worker alternately heats and pounds the metal until it takes the shape of a tool he can use. Heating, pounding. Heating,pounding. Deadlines, traffic. Arguments, disrespect. Loud sirens, silent phones. Heating, pounding. Heating, pounding.

Stand tall

2008-10-15T08:54:00.004+08:00

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come to you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced in the open and shows its true colours. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.
-JAMES 1:2-4 THE MESSAGE

Not to say I am under great pressure now. Just that there are so many things to be done and so little time. It is hard not to get a little distressed every now and then. However, after the calming down of the senses, the level of distress fluctuates. The mind is although not at ease, more intact and able to discern properly.

Take it as a journey of discovery and you will be surprised at what awaits you in the end. As in true colours, well, what a revelation they can be. Life, we can never expect the norm..
I have been scorned at(mostly behind my back), been thrown out of a supposingly cordial friendship just because of outer judgements. There are reasons to why I react in a certain way. Guess if they only tried to dig deeper, they would understand and not just walk away.
The realities of life are not always harsh but then be prepared for more trials. One can be easily swept away by strong tides.

Again, I ask of this. Be brave. Be beautiful inside.

Life story

2008-10-14T08:27:00.002+08:00

Not only has He read your story....He wrote it. His perspective is different, and his purpose is clear. God uses struggles to toughen our spiritual skin. - MAX LUCADO

Yes, we all have our stories, stored right in our hearts. We may choose to narrate them to people close to us, or maintain discretion. But whatever it is, God, He holds the key to the ending and probably a new beginning.

There is a saying, Give up the imitation, before you gain a genuine. God's work is always the strokes of a genius. I say, let us trust Him and let the day unfold like the clouds of dawn to dissolve into the stars of night.

Believe, dear all, even broken spirits will soar.
Let Him continue writing our stories. His pen does not easily dry.
Neither should we, give up,on all accounts.

Working for Jesus

2008-10-13T08:22:00.003+08:00

This is a devotion taken from Daily Wisdom for Working Women by Michelle Medlock Adams and Gena Maselli. They emphasize on working for the heart of The One who matter, not for the heart of men.This applies very much not only for me but for all who agrees.

Perhaps we forgot the very idea that we work not for the person in front of us, but for the One who rules everything. We want to prove ourselves and we sacrifice everything only to be disappointed when it is not enough to please our immediate superiors. At times, we are underappreciated, other times, been turned a deaf ear on.

Don't get me wrong. I have a wonderful boss and a caring Operation Director. They are tolerant of me. There are many times I feel I have not done enough for them as well as for the company but I am striving to. Yet, I must bear in mind that when I work for the Almighty, I work in spirits and determination. I want to grow and in the process help my company to prosper too. It is just that I am doing it in a slow pace.

Everyone loves compliments. Don't you? Well, I know I do. Especially when it comes from someone who does not give that often. It makes my day actually. But sometimes compliments can distract you and make you lose your priorities. Compliments should not be the reason why we do our work well. Look a little deeper. Keep emotions in perspective and you can never go wrong. Remain faithful in all that you do and the vigour will keep you going.

In this secondary world, what we have is not something we can keep forever.

Have bad things really happened to you? You and God may have different definitions for the word bad. Parents and children do. Look up the word in a middle-schooler's dictionary, and you'll read definitions such as 'pimples on nose,' 'Friday nights all alone,' or 'pop quiz in geometry'
Pimples pass. And it won't be long before you'll treasure a quiet evening at home. Inconvenience? Yes. Misfortune? Sure.
But bad? Save that adjective for emergency rooms and cemeteries. What's bad to a child isn't always bad to a dad.
-MAX LUCADO

So in the events of 'bad' things that occured in the workplace, remember you are never alone.
You have always someone by your side to pull you through, if only you believe with all your heart.

Rescued

2008-10-12T22:32:00.005+08:00

"For many are called, but few are chosen ,"stressed Fr Lawrence at mass this morning, which got me thinking, despite my anxiousness to rest like a lazybone on a Sunday, idling aimlessly online, with youtube or facebook,lol. Did I mention I am a Facebook addict? Anyway, I took a short walk after Father's blessing before reaching my car and did my reflection, at least something to ponder on before lunch with my two goddaughters and my two close friends. I was actually late for Mass for 5 minutes and stood outside looking in, until a voice called me. To my surprise it was my old good friend from Add Maths Tuition, Lisa. It had been way, way back since I last saw her. So, taking my seat next to her, which was coincidentally empty,we exchanged pleasantries. God certainly knew how to make connections.

Ah, back to my reflection. Pardon the slight detour.

In the end of days, we are bound to be judged on the things we have done in the world. As temporary dwellers, we must not take lightly the purpose we are here on earth. Time is outmostly precious, if only we know how to make the best of each second. It is an outcry to ignore life on the other side when we are too focused on the pleasures of this side.

For God comes like a thief in the night, whether we are prepared or not. And what if we are not ready? Can we answer the questions He poses?Are we going to be left standing dejected or be welcomed in with glory through the gates? That choice is predetermined now, if you are willing to make a stand in the world to do His will accordingly.

I do not want to end up in purgatory or hell. I also do not want the same fate to befall my family and friends. Or anyone else for that matter.

But somehow I know I in my imperfections, cannot deserve a place in heaven. I have not earn it,yet.
I need one last chance to get myself together. It is now or never. I never felt how compressed my journey is until today and the realization is enormous.
Perhaps that is why my intentions crash down like torrents, the walls collapsing to a point of no return.
I don't feel like the person I used to be.
I am less restless.
Less affected.
Not as bitter.
This change... I hope ... will be for the better.

Was in MPH too just now, and saw autobiographies of the three influential figures I had written earlier.

Pope John Paul II, an account of his life by his secretary Cardinal Stanislaw
Mother Teresa, her own story of her life and her plight as a servant to the servants
Mahatma Gandhi, his struggles and passive revolution to win over the hearts of many for the good of his nation.

My budget did not allow me to buy, sigh. But I am working on it. One must have motivation in order to fulfill dreams. What more to say of my urge to go to Vatican, when I looked frantically for travel guides of Rome. Sad to say the travel guides cost a bomb. I had to abandon my plan for now.However, I will take this obstacle as a challenge. We all may plan but only God decides eventually. We cannot stop the rain but we know we can always pray for sunny days. Let us not commit the ultimate sin if we love God a little less.

The Lord says, "I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble.
I will rescue them and honor them. I will satisfy them with a long life and give them my salvation."
PSALMS 91:14-16

One day that day will come..

2008-10-11T21:38:00.007+08:00

This November, Juliana, my Penang friend has the greatest honour to walk the grounds of Rome, along with her mother and the rest of the pilgrimage group. They will be in the Papal city as well, going to sites I could only dream of.

In the words of the Bishop of Uganda, "These African children, to them, the Holy City is like a miracle their eyes have ever set upon." Those words mirror my own.

I should wait patiently for my time to be marvelled by the enchanted state within Rome. Only if it is His will. I feel like a prodigal daughter for the moments I have forgotten the kingdom of my Father, or defy plans He has in store for me. Let me not lapse into ungratefulness, o heart of mine.

Yet, my desire to walk on the soils of Vatican is like an ignited fire. Strong, very much alive. May this enthusiasm burns to last. It is an ongoing affair, this love story of a Catholic girl and her faith. Alas, finance is the main barrier up to this day. The struggles continue with more defeat. But hear this. I am not the least deterred. Never will I subject to this discontent or estranged fantasies. In order to win the final battle, we must remain resolute, steadfast like a rock. St Peter's strongest attribute.

Hope is a kind reminder of God's compassion. Never have I known any as merciful. To be shown the light of perseverance is the strongest pathway past journeys of calamity and chaos.

Rome was not built in a day. So is yours trully,in terms of character building.

My conversations now still centers on daily lives with add-ons of spice(a.k.a gossips) How easy it is to just let those words out of our mouth. Regrets do not bring any back. Only tainted reputation. Toning them down is another priority, more so, necessity.

Losing patience over triffle matters is another vice to be improved on and thus meditation is a form of remedy. Questions will forever be present but only a handful will be answered. I have the need to master control over conduct and potrayal of self; not for others but God Almighty. A refined speech and a polished significance are what I am on the verge of seeking.

Does this mean a total makeover? Well, it certainly feels like it. God help me. For the love of my faith, family, friends and myself, I hereby undergo this mission with a clear conscience and heart.

Audrey once commented," There more we are in tune with God the Father, the more we are in tune with His ways. Be forewarned that some will find us queer, somehow or rather. Well, I don't give a damn. It's my life and I live as I want. "
Ah, Audrey, I know exactly what you mean. I have been called that soon enough. A fanatic. An extremist even.

Amy chorused," If you ain't got faith and hope, you ain't got nothing." Spot on! Faith and hope, what are we without them?

Thank you, ladies. I guess we have angels on earth called friends, except without wings.

Vatican, wait for me.

I hope I will be permitted just a glimpse of Pope John Paul's resting place. A rose on its granite stone, the simplest gesture of remembrance to a complete stranger. Though so, he occupies a place in the heart like a warrior in this plague and sin infested world.

One day, that day will come.

From how many winds is God protecting you? His wing, at this moment, shields you. A slanderous critic heading towards your desk is interrupted by a phone call. A burglar en route to your house has a flat tire. A drunk driver runs out of gas before your car passes his. God, your guardian, protects you from: "every trap" (Psalms 91:3);"the plague that stalks in the darkness"(v.6);"the terrors of the night..the dangers of the day" (v.5)
-MAX LUCADO

Tagged by Emily and Sophia lol.

2008-10-10T23:21:00.002+08:00

Tagged by Emily

1. What is the relationship of you and her?

Haha...sibling rivalry

2. Your 5 impressions towards her.
Has her own style. Speaks her mind. Don't care a hoot if ppl don't like her. Mess with me and I mess with you kind lol and smarties

3. The most memorable things she had done for you.
Drew me a Chi bi?lol.

4. The most memorable things she have said to you?
"Eh, wanna pierce at your cartilage? I almost died."

5. If she become your lover, you will.
eh siaw ar...my own sis OUT of the question

6. If she become your enemy, you will.
eh the house sure will crumble.

7. If she become your lover, she has to improve on.
OUT!OUT!

8. If she become your enemy, the reason is.
cannot la blood is thicker than water.
9. The most desirable thing to do on her is?
paint her face coolly like in Harajuku

10. The overall impression of her is.
Harajuku queen and Reita's no. 1 fan

11. How do you think the people around you will feel about you?
Ah, who cares. lol

12. The character of you for yourself is?
Unstable lol. (not as in mentally unsound k?) am perfectly fine except for my emotions lol

13. On contrary, the character you hate of yourself is?
I tend to think TOOOOO much.

14. The most ideal person that you wanna be is?
Mother Teresa?
Pope John Paul II?

15. For the people who care about and likes you, say something about them.
You rock!lol

Ten people to tag :
1. Emily Jong
2. Sophia Ngiaw
3. Amy Yao
4. Magdalene Chong
5. Aileen Basik
6. Grace Goh
7. Valerie Ong
8. Audrey Yii
9. Adeline Sim
10. Sharlene Low

Who is no. 2 having a relationship with?
wahahaha... eh Sophia.you have someone ka in mind?

Is no. 3 a male or a female?
Def female lol

If no. 7 and no. 10 were together, would it be a good thing?
OUT! lol. no.7 is getting married and no.10 is straight to the bone

How about no. 5 and 8?
Together as friends ok what, but on another context as lovers, OUT!lol

What is no. 1 studying about?
Bio and Physics

Is no. 4 single?
Nope. She's Mrs Toh lol.

Say something about no. 6?
She's a great pal.

Ok the end. Who else want to be tagged? Feel free to copy and paste hehehe.

Memoirs

2008-10-10T00:18:00.012+08:00

Two close friends with the same vision.

Drawing strength from the power of prayers

My To-Do-List consists of going here as well.... the renowned St Peter's Square. A must!

A friend to the children

Even he needed to rest.lol.

A traveller, even in times of sickness.

A friend to the animals as well:)

The current Pope, Pope Benedict XVI, whom also is a great man. Like Pope John Paul II, HIs Holiness too replied my letter which I received two days before Christmas 2007.

How heavy are the responsibilites and duties of a Pope. We must not think their lives are easy but instead appreciate their sacrifices instead. Do not rely on what you see. The truth is more than we all can take.

God sizes up every person who comes your way. As you walk, he leads. As you sleep, he patrols.
"He will shield you with his wings. He will shelter you with his feathers."
-PSALM 91:4

Be not afraid

2008-10-09T22:54:00.005+08:00

Today as I prayed in Carmelite during lunch, I prayed in communion with all the churches of the world. I closed my eyes to feel their very existence and I am blessed to find an overwhelming sense of belonging in this quiet sanctuary. Stepping out, I may be worldly again but the wonderful experience of contentment and purity of love can never be explained enough in words.

I do not deserve anything at all, I tell God. I no longer wish to ask. I long now to listen amidst the noises and distractions. His voice is audible, it is I who choose not to listen. Only now, I start to regret my ignorance. I will ask now, only once, when my day has come to return to the arms of my Father.

As imperfect as I am, humanly evil and loaded with guilt, the blood of the Creator runs inside me. For that, I ask for forgiveness, dearest Father.

I take my leave now to go home to live among the world. I will escape from time to time here to seek You. Know that this is where I will always prefer to be. We are all broken beings but we will always be His.

Do not be afraid. Do not be satisfied with mediocrity. Put out into the deep and let down your nets for a catch.
-POPE JOHN PAUL II
St Peter's Basilica. I could pray here forever.

You make it real for me

2008-10-09T08:31:00.003+08:00

If you make the Lord your refuge, if you make the Most High your shelter, no evil will conquer you; no plague will come near your dwelling. For He orders His angels to protect you wherever you go. They will hold you with their hands to keep you from striking your foot on a stone. You will trample lions and poisonous snakes;you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!
-PSALMS 91:9-13

I could hardly open my eyes yesterday to keep awake. Even so, do not take it as a sign that my spirits have dwindled. Rather, let it be known that thoughts are best gathered in the silence of the night, when everything else is at rest. The best time to pray is the moment you wake up, fresh before the sun and the moment you succumb to the comforts of slumber in the depths of the night.

There are no huge miracles after yesterday but at least I am grateful to be able to see in a different light. My speech, my conduct and manner do not differ much, but the soul is not chaotic and disoriented like before.

Perhaps God took pity on me in my brokenness. There are limits to my endurance. Maybe I was even walking on thin line. Well, I come to say I have been rescued.
And that God is very real. To me, that is.

I must start towards my devotion again. No doubt, I am very much conformed to the ways of the world. I confess I still am very human and I commit the mistakes any other human would.

But I pray for the strength now to overcome these trials, these temptations I so often fall into.

I cannot be an ambassador overnight for God for I have much to learn. If you speak the word of God, you must live according to the word of God. To be accused as a hypocrite will not do God any justice.

There was a wind blowing to my face as I stood out of my balcony yesterday evening. I remembered of the Pope standing at his balcony too overlooking the Vatican Square, to numerous crowds of people below, praying for his recovery a few days before he left us all. He could not speak at all in his normal voice as he just had his operation at his larynx. Nevertheless he tried. All that came out were murmurs. He shed tears then, but the crowd, God bless them, cheered.

God offers more than the possibility of protection or the likelihood of protection. Will God guard you? Is the pope Catholic? Your serenity matters to heaven. God's presence encapsulates your life. Separating you from evil is God, your guardian.
-MAX LUCADO

Totus tuus

2008-10-07T23:31:00.006+08:00

"Please allow me to return to My Father's House." were one of his farewell whispers on April 2, 2005 despite the fact he could no longer speak due to his last operation, to those who loved him in Vatican. Even at his death bed, his humility of asking permission to go moves me to tears.
See their plight. Feel their hope and love. Their presence, however temporary clearly show the wonderful mercy and compassion of our Creator.

Mother Teresa told him before. "It comforts me to think you pray not only for me, but for everyone else." So committed are they to their calling. So much hidden sorrow and how they put up a brave front. They are not superhumans. They definitely experience doubts. But they never give up. They defy the face of danger. How many are so willing to undergo such ordeal, such responsibility?
"Here is a Pope who knows the face of pain,"quipped a nun when Pope John Paul II was elected in 1978. Born Karol Josef Wojtyla, he was the first non-Italian Pope to be elected, being a Polish. His official motto, "totus tuus" (all yours), referred to the Virgin.
" It is time to modernize," he told cardinals in the Vatican. Here is a Pope who is not in NATO, lol. ( No Action, Talk Only) as Fr Richard Ng addresses certain people of these times.

I find it too long to name these prominent figures' contribution. Theirs are memoirs worth reading. Their life stories will keep you on your toes as much as they have kept mine.

There is one thing I should want to mention. After I had watched the dvd and returned home, I received an email from a CHOICE friend of mine. It was an attachment called " Is it a coincidence?"

Intrigued I opened it. And......... inside were the pictures of Pope John Paul II from youth to his old age. It was then I broke down. I straightaway thanked my friend for the email. With it, I replied his email and said it was not a coincidence. This was a miracle. It taught me to hope and believe again. Thank you so much.

No man is an island
No man is really happy, alone
-POPE JOHN PAUL II

My deepest regret is not to meet both Pope John Paul II and Mother Teresa when they were alive. Mahatma Gandhi even. But I am glad I had written several times to the Holy Father in 1998 while I was studying in KL. I had longed to go to World Youth Day 2000 and I wrote to him on my wishes. It was a shame I did not save enough for the trip. Monsignor Pedro Lopez Quintana replied on His holiness behalf for all the times I had written to him. Here I insert the letter as a
sign of my respect to a Pope who cares for everyone in the world. It is not clear though, unfortunately.

I believe I will see all these remarkable people one day when I return to the house of My Father.

Freedom is not worth having, if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes. -MAHATMA GANDHI

Peace begins with a smile
-MOTHER TERESA

I ask for forgiveness
-POPE JOHN PAUL II

We are destined to do great things.

2008-10-07T22:46:00.004+08:00

I had prayed hard in order to write this. Patience, says the Lord when I had hurled numerous pieces of paper to the wastepaper basket before publishing this particular post. I would say today is a historic day for me. Please allow me to explain why.

To begin with, today I watched the dvd of Pope John Paul II's life from the time of his election as a pope to his demise. It gave me a new sense of hope and direction.
For the past few weeks, I have been lamenting on my worries to close friends. Sighing, whining, all the normal woes of a human being. You name it, I got it,lol.Thus,I would like to thank them for their compassion and understanding.It isn't easy to put up with someone with more negativity in her head. I'll knock myself up, I promise lol. We are all in need and besides our family, we must acknowledge the fact that we have another strong support system, one we call, great friends. Praise the Lord for everything we have in our lives, in short.

Hope. Love. Charity. How lovely are those words to the ears, what more to say, when proclaimed. The very essence of human goodness and wholeness. We have a great deal of work to be done on earth. Only the courageous few dare attempt the first step. Individuals like Pope John Paul II, Mother Teresa, Mahatma Gandhi and many more I have yet to mention. Their names linger long after their departure from the world. When I watched the dvd, I was filled with remorse and awe at the same time. They are the epitome of true devotion to what they believe in. Even at their death beds, nothing in this world could ever make them waver. They are complete strangers to me, and perhaps to you too, no blood relation whatsoever...but their works, their faith, their personalities deliver messages the heart cannot deny.

Hope is how Pope John Paul II lived and let live.
Love is Mother Teresa's ambition, passion and fulfillment.
Charity is Mahatma Gandhi's vision and human freedom.

These are the chosen few whom dedicated their lives to serve God and the nation. The caretakers of the vineyard. There is no limitations to what they can do, given God's grace.Every being has different sets of uniqueness and capability. Try listening to their speeches. Prepare to be enthralled by their profound insights and genuine concern for the entire population regardless of religion and race. Dedication is a tremendous act of will-power and sacrifice. Dare you go where they set foot on? I would if given the chance.

Be not too troubled by the weight of the world on your shoulders, no matter how grave they may be. God has assured us that He would take good care of our tomorrows, if only we would let Him in. He has been standing outside since forever, in the cold, in the heat, in the sunny and rainy days. Take heart when everyone else fails you, He won't. Sometimes in the lowest point of my life, I refuse to believe that God is with me. But as in the words of Pope John Paul II, Even when you refuse to believe that God is with you in difficult times, God simply refuses to leave you.
How can I not cry to deserve such a love?

Despite all His Holiness contributions to the church and to the world, (this pope travels extensively, he cannot sit still even in sickness. Nothing wears him down, except Parkinson and failure of his nervous system) his days were outnumbered. God loved him more. He once told Mother Teresa in his visit to her humble charity home in Calcutta.
"I rather remain a Pope here, among the sick and dying."
Her words also become one he listens to. She said, "Do not think that love in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired."
Before her demise in September 6, 1997 he had given her the last rites as a close friend would, a fair and beloved farewell. The human heart is capable of anything, and great deeds are among them.

Doggie's update

2008-10-07T22:34:00.002+08:00

My dog is so much better now. Praise the Lord! I didn't even pay a visit to the vet.According to dad, since my dog is a 'paria' dog, his immunity system needs to be trained. I was like, what kind of reason is that? My dog has been acting more quiet these days after the 'war'. However so, his appetite is surprisingly good and he is apparently gaining his strength. He has not lost his mood to play.Which is a good thing. You go, warrior.
Amy's opinion is that doggie is contemplating revenge in silence. lol. I was like hey, maybe! Doggie's probably as angry as I am with his attackers, or maybe many notches higher.

Today when I opened the gates upon arrival after work, doggie was charging towards me with such vigour and energy. I caught him in the nick of time. He tried to wriggle free but I forced him to remain within the house compound.
That was when I believed Amy. I think he really wanted to go after the same dogs that mauled him on Sunday. Such determination. His legs seemed to be fine and his bark as loud as ever. There was no limp, perhaps a slight one but doggie showed no fear whatsoever. He's back!

So moral of the story. We don't stay down for long. We fight and we fight well.

Sad..

2008-10-06T01:05:00.003+08:00

I can't sleep. I feel so guilty.
I was only trying to take doggie out for a walk this evening.
He escaped and ended up being mauled by 4 dogs. Luckily dad came to the rescue. I was struggling in vain to beat the other dogs but they kept coming.Like a pack of wolves, intent on killing.

I was helpless and my stomach knotted. The dogs were viciously attacking doggie side by side.I beat two with my bare hands, but doggie was still not safe from harm. They scrambled away when dad took a large stick and aimed at all.I rushed doggie home. He was already injured on his hind legs and left front leg. I suspect some injuries at his neck too.

I was so angry I wanted to skin those blasted dogs alive.Roast them. Cut them into pieces. I'd make sure they pay if I see them again one day.

My heart breaks seeing doggie in pain.
Naturally, I got a scolding.Major bomb. But I didn't care. I kept watch on doggie until now.

As I look out of my window, I see that he is sleeping near the Volkswagen. He looks so small and fragile.
I am so taking him to the vet tomorrow.

Just one decision and doggie had to pay for the consequence. So sheltered all his life, am sure he enjoyed the price of freedom once a while. That was why he wriggled free from my clutches. How was he to know the danger before him. How was I to know either? Well, apparently that price came a little too high.
I am so angry and sad.
Why must this happen?
Why?..............
(sob sob)

2008-10-05T21:57:00.004+08:00

I have not forgotten Noah despite the fact that I had not been updating much on accounts of him. However, this I know. If I have a son, I would like to name him Noah. As for a daughter, Azaria. How about my husband? Haha, only God knows.

After the flood, Noah built an altar to the Lord; taking one of each kind of ritually clean animal and bird, and burned them as sacrifice. The odour of sacrifice pleased the Lord and He promised never to wipe the face of the earth again. God made a covenant with Noah and his descendents together with all living beings. Noah became the first man to plant a vineyard. Speaking about vineyard, today at Blessed Sacrament, whom Fr Richard was the celebrant, he talked on the vineyard as God's chosen people. It is not enough to have many leaves but it is far better to be fruitful. Noah is like a fruitful vineyard together with the many descendents after him, nation by nation.

Noah was not tainted with the sins of the world. Even when he was tempted, he showed no signs of giving in. For that reason alone, God chose him and was very pleased with him. How fortunate would we be if we were to encounter such an individual in this century. Or marry one.lol. But then again, there is always something attractive about badass guys.(Kick myself) Bad to the bone, you name it.Ops did I just say that? Well, I quote opinions. Not necessarily mine, that is :D With a guy like Noah, I should think I would not be intimidated by him simply because he is so good, loving and God-abiding. I have not crossed path with many good hearted people so far.The precious few are those whom I will treasure till the day I cease in existence. For the many battles I choose to stay down, they persisted endlessly to pick me up, eager for me to greet the new dawn.

If I have just one superpower to inherit, please bless me to be a happiness giver, rectifying my guilt in the past. My role model will always be Mother Teresa. There is so much sadness in the world we do not speak of. We either move on or ignore because we ourselves have our own lives to worry about. Even that is a handful. There is a saying, if you can't take care of yourself, how can you take care of others?

The Carmelite sisters ask me occasionally. What do you really want to do with your life?

Surprisingly I am left clueless. There are times when we are trampled by people when we are just trying to be nice.Hello. Well, I for one, would not let such manipulators have their way again. On a bad day, these are my thoughts.

"You know what? I hate comparisons. I am not built to be a superwoman. I am not cut-out to be a freaking millionaire or whatever crap you want me to be. I definitely hate those who DO NOT appreciate me. Well, go to hell. I don't even like you at all for putting me down like a piece of sh*t."
There I've said it.

We cry in our silence.
We smile through our tears.
We say yes when we actually mean no.
Stop pushing us to the limit.
Please.
The least, tell us we deserve happiness,
for the wonderful person we are.
Is that so hard?

I do not get angry without a reason, God forbid. And because I love Him, and because He died for me on the cross I love the very people that persecute, laugh and ridicule me. Stone me for all I care. Hate is a one time adjective soothed only by the love of God. If I hate someone, it would mean I hate God too. Why allow that?

So be nice. Don't make me hate you. You need to know I really don't want to.

Girl next door but dreams to be a celebrity?

2008-10-01T21:24:00.011+08:00

Well dream no more. Online, you can be whoever you wish you want to be. Angelina Jolie. Ayumi Hamasaki.WHOEVA. I came across MorphThing from this young lady's blog, a tool that changes your ordinary look into almost superstar status.SERIOUS.Well, best yet, it's F.O.C. It's like plastic surgery, only sans the pain.lol. So, since it's the Raya holidays I decided to indulge myself in transformations. NOt to kill time but just to see if I really look gorgeous AFTER. Haha.so vain.See if you can identify who I morph myself with to create a new me.

Here goes...

Original picture...
No 1. transformation...

Fill in the blanks lol if you can starting now.

No. 2 ..very easy isn't it?

No. 3.. dead giveaway

No. 4 snap your fingersNo. 5 before I get anymore vain lol

No. 6, still a whole lot of list... but this is possibly my last one for now...
So much for that. I need to bath. lol. So let's see if you can score 6/6.Wanna take a guess?

Hair oh hair!

2008-10-01T08:56:00.004+08:00

Forgot to blog about this yesterday.lol

Just a short note.

I am never going to step foot at five or four star salons again. Or maybe because I honour value for money and am a bit miserly,lol.(Maybe a lot) I know the rich can afford it but for ordinary people like me I'll pass. Yesterday, they charged double to wash a freaking hair and blowdry. Even with own shampoo. So from the usual RM16, it went... well you do the maths. Most people say it's ordinary charges especially during festive season. I was like speech..less.

Then again, a friend of mine said that is the price for fashion. People are willing to pay for a good hairstylist. He had a point there. It's all in the name, the brand, the environment of the salon. The more well-known a salon is, the higher the price they can charge. No wonder hair stylists especially those with their own salon, earn so much more. The demand is there and people definitely will pay to look extremely good.

So, what's my point here again? I've strayed from my original context again it seems.
Still, I can't pay rm32 for a hairwash and blowdry only. Rm32 is reasonable for hair treatment in a package but I doubt these people care if I do not go there or not as there is always people who are willing to fork out a lot in the name of beauty.

I pray

2008-09-30T00:32:00.003+08:00

I pray,
that I will forget you soon,
You are just another passerby,
in this walk of life; mine,
just a couple of hours,
not less, not more,
and eventually you will be a shadow,
that slowly fades away.

To you,
I am just a number,
Just a paper,
Just a fulfillment of duty,
and to think that once,
once, I thought of you,
this stupidity, this blindness,
Oh my heart,
why this sudden madness,
cure me quickly I beg you,
cast me far from this
impulsion I call feeling.
This I pray,
This I ask of you,
if you know the meaning of mercy.

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.
-ANAIS NIN

In real love, you want the other person's good. In romantic love,
you want the other person.
-MARGARET ANDERSON

Crush

2008-09-28T08:31:00.008+08:00

I woke up early this morning and took a listen to one of the songs that I really liked, entitled "Crush" by David Archuleta. Very delightful. I momentarily forgot the world.At least for a while. These days I feel like moving away from the crowd, walking along sandy shores and praying that someday I will find what I am looking for. I thought I did,but I was so wrong, so very wrong..

I hung up the phone tonight
Something happened for the first time deep inside
It was a rush, what a rush

'Cause the possibility
That you would ever feel the same way about me
It's just too much, just too much

Why do I keep running from the truth?
All I ever think about is you
You got me hypnotized, so mesmerized
And I've just got to know

Do you ever think when you're all alone
All that we can be, where this thing can go?
Am I crazy or falling in love?
Is it real or just another crush?

Do you catch a breath when I look at you?
Are you holding back like the way I do?
'Cause I'm trying and trying to walk away
But I know this crush ain't goin' away-ay-ay-ay-ayy
Goin' away-ay-ay-ay-ayy

Has it ever crossed your mind
When we're hanging, spending time girl, are we just friends?
Is there more, is there more?

See it's a chance we've gotta take
'Cause I believe that we can make this into something that will last
Last forever, forever

Do you ever think when you're all alone
All that we can be, where this thing can go?
Am I crazy or falling in love?
Is it real or just another crush?

Do you catch a breath when I look at you?
Are you holding back like the way I do?
'Cause I'm trying and trying to walk away
But I know this crush ain't goin' away-ay-ay-ay-ayy
Goin' away-ay-ay-ay-ayy

Why do I keep running from the truth?
All I ever think about is you
You got me hypnotized, so mesmerized
And I've just got to know

Do you ever think when you're all alone
All that we can be, where this thing can go?
Am I crazy or falling in love?
Is it real or just another crush?

Do you catch a breath when I look at you?
Are you holding back like the way I do?
'Cause I'm trying and trying to walk away
But I know this crush ain't goin' away-ay-ay-ay-ayy
This crush ain't goin' away-ay-ay-ay-ayy
Goin' away-ay-ay-ay-ayy
Goin' away-ay-ay-ay-ayy
Goin' away-ay-ay-ay-ayy

Farewell

2008-09-27T22:39:00.002+08:00

The events of this week is a whirlwind of catastrophe. I find myself unable to blog due to personal reasons.

1. It involves unfictional events and real people.

2. I fear of exposing my true emotions.

It has come to a deeper sense of realization how imperfect one can be; yet still be worthy of God's endless mercy. I believe Him to be the only person who loves me unconditionally. Only He expresses love so freely. Sadly, there are times I turn my back when I do not feel His presence. He is also the reason for this post.

If I can, I wish to compose music to relate better to these thoughts and aspirations hidden within me. If I can, I wish to fly away from this place,never to return again.

Things aren't that simple. Despite all that I potray, I am a broken, bruised soul longing for redemption.

We do not often say what we want to say. We only hope others are compassionate enough to discover what we actually mean.

The tendency to be withdrawn is ever so appealing. Loneliness can sometimes be the only friend we can trust in bleak times. I should learn to be content with it. But before that. sorting out residues of the passing moments, I wish to thank my friends who were there during my predicament. There is nothing I can offer but prayers and blessings.

For now, I bade you farewell until I am fully recovered, spiritually, emotionally and physically.

Please forgive me, for I am not strong enough for the world....

To be loved and love is one I cannot have yet, for that I mourn
-T.J

Us against the world

2008-09-24T09:00:00.004+08:00

Us Against The World

Verse 1
You and I, we've been at it so long

I still got the strongest fire

You and I, we still know how to talk

know how to walk that wire

Sometimes I feel like the world is against me

The sound of your voice baby that's what saves me

When we're together I feel so invincible

Chorus

'Cause it's us against the world

You and me against them all

If you're listening to these words

Know that we are standing tall

I don't ever see the day that I won't catch you when you fall

'Cause it's us against the world tonight

Verse 2

There'll be days we'll be on different sides

But that doesn't last too long

We find ways to get it on track

We know how to turn back on

Sometimes I feel I can't keep it together

then you hold me close and you make it better

When I'm with you I can feel so unbreakable

Chorus

Bridge

We're not gonna break 'cause we both still believe

We know what we've got and we've got what we need alright

We're doing something right

I absolutely love this song by Westlife. There are times when life turns its back against us. This is where we need so much strength to go on. There are those times when we feel so alone. But fear not, when all hope is gone, there is always something there we can cling on to to feel whole again. We can always turn to Him. For in faith, we have the one thing that won't leave us. A love so great it will last for an eternity. The constant reminder that we are loved.

To be loved, we must first be lovable.
To be accepted, we must first learn to accept.

Being unwanted,unloved,uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat... We must find each other.
- MOTHER TERESA

Noah

2008-09-23T08:35:00.006+08:00

( Pictures of dawn that I personally liked from the webbie,lol)

It's a fine morning today with the bright sunlight upon my head as I open the gates. With the bible in my hand,let's move onwards, starting on Human Wickedness before the story of Noah.

When the world's population had grown and daughters were being born, the men folk became more choosy. They chose only the beautiful ones. Then the Lord said," I will not allow people to live forever;they are mortal. From now on they will live no longer than 120 years."

He saw that everyone on earth was wicked and how evil their thoughts were that He began to feel sorry that He ever created them. Filled with regret, He announced that He would wipe out all the people He had created, including the animals and the birds. However, there was one exception. Noah. He was pleased with Noah and decided to spare him.

He told Noah of His plans and instructed Noah to build a boat out of good timber; make rooms in it and cover it with tar inside out. The boat should be 450 feet long, 75 feet wide and 45 feet high. There would be a roof for the boat and a space of 18 inches between the roof and the sides. Three decks is ample enough for the whole boat and put a door in the side. Noah was told to take his wife, sons and their wives, together with a male and female of every kind of animal and bird, in order to keep them alive. He also need to take along all kinds of food for everyone in the ark.Noah did everything God commanded.

A model of Noah's Ark at the Creation Museum,U.S.

Noah was 600 years old when the flood occurred. He was further told to take seven pairs of each kind of ritually clean animals, but only one pair of each kind of unclean animal and seven pairs of each kind of bird. The sign of the GREAT flood was rain that fell for forty days and nights. The water did not start to go down for a hundred and fifty days.

I fear if I would have lived then, can I believe I am not one of the chosen one spared to live? It was gruesome to think of the dark days before.Noah must have been very righteous to deserve God's mercy.
Even now the world seem to be in a mess, one way or another.If it isn't politics, it may be economic or warfares, plus other issues I have yet to mention.

I wonder what God has in store for us as the days passed by. We are all but pilgrims on earth. So temporary.
More on Noah in my next post. Need to head to work now.Laters!

The story of love is not important-what is important is that one is capable of love. It is perhaps the only glimpse we are permitted of eternity.
-HELEN HAYES

Make up bla bla bla

2008-09-20T22:25:00.004+08:00

Arghhhh...I sound like someone in a CLEO advertisement.haha.'Make ups are a must for the womenfolk.'

Oh, I beg to differ. I prefer au naturel. But these days I have been nagged, threatened (you name it)to be more..erm..let's just say,more elaborate on my appearance,haha. Can't I be Plain Jane, for goodness sake?
I know Kuching is thronged with many beautiful ladies.The power of make-up, my dear, chorused my friends in the background.
In turn, I do my 360 degrees sigh. You do the imagining. :D
I can't even put on a mascara correctly!(shame, shame)

Thus I leave the experts at Shiseido Parkson to do the trick. Ok, I admit, I love
the final touches and I really really really (shrek really) want to look like this everyday...
But I am so freaking lazy to dress up. I mean,let's rephrase, I am so pin tua to do step by step makeup leh, so hassling. Of course I was pinched by a girl friend who reprimanded me fiercely as well.

"So you want to be kiam chai la?"

Cis. lol.Oh well, it's so troublesome being a lady. Why can't such fate befall guys?UNFAIR.
So I got all my essentials and experimented around with the cosmetic kits etc. You can create all kinds of look as long as you are willing to learn. As for me, I go for tutorials, via Youtube,lol. I managed some blackish Gothic look. (after thousands of trial and error?) Ok, so there was this one time I looked like a scary Halloween monster.Serious. Don't laugh. It's true. Hope it's not so scary haha. Point is, I still have lots to learn, especially when it comes to makeup.

Dang, I still have not blogged on the continuation of Genesis. I am supposed to talk on Noah and the ark. Wait, it's Sabbath, isn't it? Rest dulu(grinning mischievously)... then blog on Monday. God says we must rest on Sunday. So I am obeying Him diligently. (So this is me trying a Gothic look. Hope it's emo enough,lol)

I better make sure I don't stray into other topics again in my next post other than Noah. So much for blog management,heh.

D.E.P.R.E.S.S.E.D

2008-09-19T01:11:00.003+08:00

Don't talk to me,
Even I have feelings,
Part of me smiles when,
really all I want to do is
escape from reality,
Sickeningly serenading
Sleep don't come easy,
Episodes of
damnation.
Help!

Sleepless in Kuching

2008-09-18T01:21:00.003+08:00

I am def insomniac. I don't take care of myself. I love the internet too much to even bother sleeping a proper 8 hours a day. The funny thing is, I don't know what I do, until so much time is spent online. My mum says I am married to the computer. I am anticipating more comments in the coming days. Maybe this time from my dad.
And today I don't really know what I want to blog about. Yet here I am, attempting to create something out of nothing.
Ok, so I admit. A lot of works, especially novels are left hanging in the cold. I have yet to finish Genesis even. My span of concentration is low and I get carried away with new things easily. For example, new ideas. I simply chuck the old one and get back to it another time. I must curb this unhealthy habit for my own sake. I need discipline.

Touchpoints and idiot-guides to survival in the world.

The time still ticks. I'm still here, waiting for the right time to retire to slumber. My eyes are still wide open but my head spins like a hurricane :P Can you imagine the silent turbulence then?
I wonder how many people in Kuching are still sleepless in Kuching after 1.30am. Shall we do a poll then? I'll get on it right after this then, if I know how to, that is.

I just finished updating my facebook a couple of minutes ago. Yep, yours trully is a Facebook freak. Mention MSN and I'm a goner lol.

My brain tells me... it's time for drastic changes. Wake up! Makes me ponder, what if the government too experience drastic changes? Would it be for better or worse, only God knows.

For me, I need to live up to expectations. Grow close. Grow wise. I hope I can.

My romantic self writing to no one at all.

2008-09-14T23:39:00.005+08:00

Close your eyes,
dream of me,
if you want to, only.
I am not asking you to miss me.
I am not asking for anything at all.
I just want to know if you are real,
and if you are here for me.
I don't know who you are,
I don't even know myself,
so I'll let you go,
and I'll walk away first,
before I can ever turn back,
before I can even change my mind.

Passing by as strangers,
are we playing medleys?
hoping to find one another,
in the midst of the crowd?
what if we weren't suppose to be?
and what if we just leave it at that?
Can I ever ever know you at all?
what a shame.
I can almost feel you,
beating, resoundingly.
But a vision of you, unclear.
and memories, they don't know you too.

I stand in the rain,
and I walk in it,alone.
Maybe one day you will feel my pain,
of not knowing what to do,
when it comes to you.

What you keep to yourself, you lose, what you give away, you keep forever. Axel Munthe

Back to The Origins lol

2008-09-14T21:25:00.005+08:00

Actually, I was a little tired to blog on bible studies yesterday even when I had my internet connection restored to perfection,haha. Thus, here I am again to summarize what I read before bed yesterday.

This part involves the lives of Adam and Eve after the Garden of Eden. Eve gave birth to two sons, Abel and Cain. Abel was a shepherd while Cain was a farmer. All was well for the family, until God rejected Cain's sacrifice offerings of some of his harvest and accepted Abel's, the best parts of the first lamb born of one of his sheeps. God only wanted to show Cain that he had sinned and not the fact that He preferred Abel's offerings.

Yet out of jealousy, Cain murdered his own sibling in the field, provoking God's anger.God sentenced him to a barren existence. Nothing could grow out of his own hand. He can no longer plough his field nor any land. Cain pleaded for mercy since he would be a homeless wanderer, fearing he would eventually be killed.

God however told Cain that if anyone kills him, seven lives will be taken in revenge. Having said that, God put a mark on Cain to ward any attempted murder on him. Cain left and lived in a land called 'Wandering' which was in the east of Eden. There he married and had a son called Enoch, whom Cain's city was named after.

Eve, after the death of Abel, gave birth to Seth. Adam and Eve lived a great deal of years and had many descendants. People in those days could lived up to 900 years. Amazing. Upcoming post will be touching on Noah and the great flood.

Drat! I put on weight these few months. I will not disclose the actual figure, lol but it has devastated me. Goodbye glorious food! Time for some strict regime to keep fit. I want to look gorgeous. Wait, wait. I want to stay healthy too!Oh if only I can be persistent enough to go all the way for a new 'me'. I need motivation.Lots and lots of that, haha.

It has also been a week since I last saw Mr Mysterious. What was I thinking lol. Maybe he's just a sight for sore eyes. All right Miss Prim and Proper, behave yourself! ( I am, I am. HONEST) lol.

It is raining still..maybe it is not one of those showers that is here one minute and gone the next, as I had so boldly assumed. Maybe none of them are. After all, life itself is a chain of rainy days. But there are times when not all of us have umbrellas to walk under. Those are the times when we need people who are willing to lend their umbrellas to a wet stranger on a rainy day. I think I'll go for a walk with my umbrella.
Sun-Young Park

At last! Phew.

2008-09-14T20:08:00.007+08:00

Modem entirely fixed. Wireless connection, configured. So there is no excuse for me not to blog, except plain laziness.Hehe.

Happy MoonCake Festival! The Chinese celebrates the Mid Autumn Festival, known locally as Mooncake Festival, on the 15th day of the eighth lunar month which falls today. Children in my neighbourhood are playing brightly -lit lanterns joyously as I type along. Tried any mooncakes? Bet everyone did. Macam macam ada. lol. Even yoghurt flavoured.

To explain my disappearance two nights previously, it was due to a blackout on Thursday afternoon, followed by lightning. And that blasted lightning got to my modem. Rentungla the component inside. I declared my modem r.i.p before sending it to the nearest Telekom branch, which was Batu Lintang on the next day. Thank goodness for the one year warranty or else have to fork out the moo-lah. On the same night too, while teaching the students in MJC, another power supply failure ensued sans the lightning. Needless to say, the whole MJC was in total darkness. Nicee. If it was another occurence of chain blackout in the whole state, be sure to hear numerous rounds of complain from the public. Not that I'm putting too much blame on SESCO or anything, sometimes these things are unavoidable, but without electricity, you might as well put my life or many lives on hold.

The consequence of no electricity for me, that is;
1. no internet ( I am a Facebook freak and MSN enthusiast)
Please listen to Hitz.fm for Rudy and JJ's rendition of "Hey hey you you, why aren't you on facebook?"

2. blur visibility at home (need light to mandi and other stuff too ma)

3. cool air from the fan or aircond (to keep the temperature ma, or else sweat like a oink oink)

The state of darkness only lasted for 30 minutes! Nasib, nasib. On Friday I was still internet-less. But thank goodness for the electricity.

So a friend of mine ar, very ho sim la, she introduced to me someone who could reconfigure my internet connection to keep me up on my toes especially in the online world.
After much cham-siong and all, he came on Saturday morning to work some magic that I failed to do myself, even after abusing my computer for answer. (Don't worry, no kicking involved)After less than an hour, he got it running just like that. Should I call it easy money for him? wahahhaa. Anyway, I changed my PCI Adapter to D-Link. I could then enjoy the full benefits of the internet. Chewah,haha. Service charge was RM50 and my PCI adapter was Rm40. I don't know if it's reasonable but he claims it is. Whatever it is I got my internet back and I am delirious. If I am somewhat overcharged, I'd pay him a visit for refunds!(just kidding)

All that settled, let's move on.I know I am a bit too old to listen to Jesse McCartney, he's like so freaking young compared to me, but I must say I absolutely love this song of his, "Just So You Know" taken from Princess Diaries II.

		http://www.mp3lyrics.org/ZE

I shouldn't love you, but I want to I just can't turn away I shouldn't see you, but I can't move I can't look away And I dont know How to be fine when I'm not 'Cause I don't know How to make a feeling stop Just so you know This feeling's takin' control Of me and I can't help it I won't sit around I can't let him win now Thought you should know I've tried my best to let go Of you but I don't want to I just gotta say it all before I go Just so you know It's gettin' hard to Be around you Theres so much I can't say Do you want me to hide the feelings And look the other away And I don't know How to be fine when I'm not 'Cause I don't know How to make a feeling stop Just so you know This feeling's takin' control Of me and I can't help it I wont sit around I can't let him win now Thought you should know I've tried my best to let go Of you but I don't want to I just gotta say it all before I go Just so you know This emptiness is killin' me And I'm wonderin' why I've waited so long Lookin' back I realize it was always there, just never spoken I'm waitin' here Been waitin' here Oooh Just so you know This feeling's takin' control Of me and I can't help it I wont sit around I can't let him win now Thought you should know I've tried my best to let go Of you but I don't want to I just gotta say it all before I go Just so you know Whoa Just so you know Whoa Thought you should know I've tried my best to let go Of you but I don't want to I just gotta say it all before I go Just so you know Just so you know

Well in a way it makes me feel sad and yet it doesn't really involve me you know. Like I'm consumed with helplessness, I can't figure a solution out.Maybe I just want someone to know how I feel. I hope I can. Instead of being so cold and restrained, try opening the heart, just a little. And I just want that someone to know that, it's not worth being cruel when you can always be kind.

A chemist who can extract from his heart's element, compassion, respect, longing,
patience, regret, surprise and forgiveness and compound them into one can create that atom which is called love.
Kahlil Gibran

Even when someone has a doctorate it won't mean anything at all if he has no heart.

I am inclined to disobey:)

2008-09-10T09:01:00.005+08:00

Haha, that got me thinking. I mean human disobedience. I am guilty of that almost always, although I try to curb my bad ways. Disobedience can mean a lot of things; even the little things we refuse to do.

There are times when we are told not to do a certain thing and yet we defy and go ahead only to suffer the consequence in the end.Do we really need to learn from mistakes when we can actually avoid them? Right now I am having doubts about my vocation. So much that I cannot sleep at night.

Thank goodness for bible studies on my own and late nights msn chats. I know it won't do any good to my health, but I still persist. See what I mean about disobedience? lol.
Regarding vocation, it would be nice to get married, have a great husband who loves you and care for you and children to dote on and doted by but I can't seem to meet him at all. Maybe he'll never pass my way, lol. Anyway, I have two other options, singlehood and religious. If I am destined to be single, I would work so hard to earn so much money to be able to do the things I love in life. For example, travelling, social work and of course to be able to possess my own house(a single storey semi-d is sufficient for my comfort) and car( I want to upgrade my kelisa hehe, but I won't sell it ever, as memories mean a lot to me) If I ever become rich I want to upgrade my parents' status as in their posessions. I also want them to spend more free time together and go to church more often. They worked all their lives for our sake. It's time I do the same.

I am ashamed I cannot do that now. They have done so much for me. I feel unfilial already. But then again, there is this question at the back of my mind. What if God intended me to be a religious? Sad to say I am too attracted to the world to give it all up for a life of contemplation and union with God. Call me selfish, because I think I am.

If that is my real vocation, I must try to make it work as well and put an end to choosing between singlehood and marriage. The problem is I am so uncertain. I also desire to give God my best. He is the reason why I am here and I have not returned to Him yet simply because my mission is incomplete.

Help!I am suffering from brain traffic jams now. I have to reorganize my thoughts now.
Until then, till my next post. Tata.